Grievance
by MistressMacha
Summary: It was Elliot's mistake, but Olivia was the one who got hurt. It's weeks later, and she still won't return any of his calls or messages, no matter how hard he tries to make it up to her... As ever, E/O, some quite explicit.
1. Prologue

_**A/N: Yes, I have a nice (ish) new story for you! It's a bit different from my other ones but what can I say, it starts with a bang, and hopefully you'll enjoy reading it!**_

_**If you liked 'Afterthought', it uses some of the same plot devices and basic themes, so you can consider it kind of a development of that.**_

_**Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it, and PLEASE, send me a review to let me know!**_

Olivia huddled up against the side of the nearest car, wrapping her arms tightly around herself and shivering. Goddamn it, this was NOT how she'd planned to end her evening. God knows she wasn't exactly dressed for it.

If she'd known that she'd be spending hours standing around outside, she would have worn something warmer than a thin chiffon dress.

If she'd known that she'd spend the night surrounded by bored SWAT men, she would have worn something that better covered her tits.

She wasn't sure how they expected to do their jobs properly when their eyes practically popped out of their heads every time she moved. _Shit._ It was so cold that now her nipples were actually showing through the thin fabric of her dress. She crossed her arms around her chest, hearing a collective sigh of disappointment from the nearby cops. She clenched her fists and glared. _Perverts. _She shivered again. She hadn't been planning to spend much time outside tonight other than the walk from her apartment to the cab, the cab to the restaurant, and then (_hopefully_) the restaurant to her date Daniel's car and then back to her place. She sighed.

_God, I need to get laid. _

She muttered silent profanities to herself, hunching over in her strapless dress and cursing the discomfort of the cold air against her bare skin. She'd chosen this dress with the thought of a night spent with Daniel in her bed in mind, not a night spent watching her stupid, selfish partner commandeer a hostage situation while she froze her butt off on some crappy street corner.

_God, I need to get laid._

She hated Elliot. _Why the fuck would he do this? This was all his fault. God damn it, Elliot, if you get a tip you don't just barge in on your own without calling for backup, let alone without even calling your own fucking partner. _ She would still have had no idea about what was happening if Fin hadn't heard it over the radio and decided to call her in, date be damned. She sighed. And it was a very, VERY nice date. _Nice doctor, liked kids, decent looking..._ She smiled wistfully, feeling a tinge of regret. _Poor guy._ She'd just stood up in the middle of dinner, thrown him a half-assed apology and run out the door, leaving him alone in the restaurant. She sighed again. _Along with any chance in hell of a pleasant, satisfying end to the night... _

_God, I need to get laid._

_Shit._ She'd left her evening wrap behind on the back of her chair. She swore to herself. _Maybe if you'd thought to take that with you, you wouldn't be freezing your ass off quite so bad right now._ She mentally kicked herself. _At the very least it might cover your nipples. _She thought wistfully of her lovely warm bed in her lovely warm apartment, and the nice doctor she'd rather hoped would be joining her in it by the end of the evening...

_God, I need to get laid._

She stamped her foot and swore again, louder this time, and the SWAT guy next to her jumped. _Wow, great way to win friends and influence people, Benson._

_What the fuck was taking so long? He'd been in there for over seven hours now and no one had heard from him for at least three. _ She bit her lip, her irritation beginning to turn into a cold, creeping feeling of dread, although she'd be damned if she was going to admit it. _That bastard._ How dare he do this to her? How dare he treat her like some moronic bimbo rather than the equal that she was? _I work with him every goddamn day! I earned my place working on this team, and I did that by being damn good at my job!_ She fought a rising feeling of rage in her gut. _What does he think I'm there for, if not for stuff like this? Eye candy? _

She clenched her fists, muttering curse words. _Damn him, damn him, damn him, damn him..._

Did he have any idea what he was doing to her?

How could he have been so selfish?

Didn't she mean more to him than that?

This wasn't just about him, this was about her. _If you have to go wildly chucking your own life around like a madman, then fine, but for God's sake, you asshole, don't risk mine too._ How could that not even occur to him that by throwing his own life away, he'd be throwing hers away with it? Because he would be. There was no doubt of that in her mind. If he was going to die, then her life was going to effectively be over too... and yet, despite all that, he didn't think it was worth giving her the chance to go in there with him. _That arrogant asshole._ She bit her lip, feeling tears fill her eyes. _But he's MY arrogant asshole..._

She would never, ever forgive him if this went bad. He never thought about anyone else, about she might feel knowing that he hadn't wanted her there with him, knowing that he had had to die without her there...

_No, Olivia, he isn't going to die, he'll be fine, you know that, he's just doing things his own stupid, pigheaded way as ever, and afterwards, he'll act as if nothing ever happened and as if you haven't just been through hell on earth waiting for him. _She bristled. _That son of a bitch. That complete, UTTER son of a bitch..._

How would he feel if she did something like this? Would he even care? She doubted it. The sheer number of times that he'd pulled shit like this said otherwise._ To be honest, I'm beginning to wonder if he cares at all..._ The rage was back, stronger this time. _Enough is enough. I cannot take this any more. God knows I've put up with a lot from him, but this time he has just pushed me too far- _

She jumped and her blood ran cold as she heard a burst of automatic gunfire from the building, the top row of windows exploding outwards and the glass raining down onto the street below.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God... _Her head span and she fell against the side of the car, grabbing at the wing mirror and trying to keep her balance, all her anger forgotten as her heart fluttered wildly. _Oh Jesus, oh no, this cannot be happening to me, it can't, it can't..._ She sank to her knees on the ground, the shards of gravel and broken glass on the pavement digging into her skin, and buried her head in her hands. _No, he's dead, I know he is, oh God, no..._

She heaved again and took a deep breath, holding her palms flat against the ground with her forehead pressed against the asphalt. _This isn't what was meant to happen, this isn't what I'd planned for us... and oh God I was so angry with him, the last things I was thinking about him were angry and hateful, oh God, how could I have let this happen, how... _She clenched her fists, tiny pieces of grit lodging under her fingernails as they raked across the pavement. _He died and I wasn't there, just because I wanted to go on a stupid date, just because I left work early to go and get my hair done because... _ She felt a rush of disgust at her own selfishness. _Because I wanted to get laid. I left him there and now he's dead because I wanted to get laid._

Around her she heard the SWAT team shouting instructions to each other as they stormed the building. _Why, why are you bothering, he's dead, he's dead, I know he is..._ She began to sob, pressing her forehead harder against the asphalt until she could feel the gravel digging uncomfortably into her skin. _No, Elliot, no, please..._ She thought that she was going to be sick. _This isn't happening, it isn't, it isn't..._ She let out a howl. _No, it isn't..._

'Liv?'

_What? No... _ She looked up and saw him, standing outside the building and looking at her in surprise. _Oh God... he's... he's..._ He smiled at her and suddenly all the panic and worry was replaced by fierce, angry rage. _That son of a bitch put through hell and he has the nerve to smile at me like he's just come back from getting a fucking coffee?_ She angrily swiped the tears out of her eyes, wiping the street grime off her hands and onto her ruined dress as she stormed across the road.

_Why is she so angry?_ Elliot couldn't figure out what he'd done to upset her so much. She'd had a date, and he hadn't wanted to interrupt her. How could that have just made her more pissed at him than she would have been otherwise? He sighed. _I don't even know any more... _'Liv, what are you doing here-'

'You BASTARD!' He saw her hand flash through the air a second before he felt the slap. 'You absolute SON OF A BITCH, how could you DO this to me-'

_Jesus._ 'Whoa, Liv, whoa, it's OK, it was just a simple takedown, the main guy we were looking for wasn't even there, I mean, it took a bit longer than I was expecting but it was nothing unusual-' He tried to stroke her hair soothingly and she shoved him away. 'Jesus, Liv, calm the fuck down-'

_Bastard bastard bastard BASTARD!_ 'NO, Elliot, I will NOT calm the fuck down, and do you know why? You're ALWAYS pulling shit like this, ALWAYS, and you know what? I cannot take it anymore!'

'Look, Liv, come on-'

'NO!' She shoved him hard. ''Have you any idea how long I've been standing here, freezing my fucking ass off in the cold and the wind, listening and watching and waiting?' She felt a fresh surge of rage. 'HAVE YOU GOT ANY IDEA HOW LONG I'VE HAD TO STAND HERE WITH ALL THE SWAT GUYS STARING AT MY NIPPLES?'

_Wait, WHAT? _'Liv, I'm sorry, but I didn't ask you to come here-'

'I KNOW, AND THAT MAKES IT WORSE!'

Elliot blinked in surprise. _What the..._ 'How does that make it worse?'

'Because you didn't trust me, El! You didn't trust me enough to call me and to ask me to help, instead you left it for fucking FIN to phone me and tell me, do you have ANY idea how STUPID I felt sat in that restaurant with that boring dickhead Daniel, listening to Fin tell me about how my partner had decided to do something this fucking stupid, this fucking DANGEROUS, and that he'd decided to do it WITHOUT ME?'

'Olivia, I'm sorry, I just didn't think it was worth bothering you, I didn't think-'

'YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT YOU DIDN'T THINK!' She shoved him again, clenching her hands into fists. 'You complete and utter ASSHOLE!'

Elliot's heart sank. _Oh shit, she's really pissed this time._ 'Liv, please, I'm sorry, let me make it up to you-'

'YOU CAN'T MAKE IT UP TO ME!' She was actually shaking with rage now. 'Every time you do this, Elliot, every time you just say you'll buy me a coffee or something, and you think that makes it all better, but it doesn't, El, IT DOESN'T!'

'Liv-'

'NO, EL, it DOESN'T, and I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!' She broke off and stared at the ground for a minute, raking her hand back through her hair, clenching her hand against the back of her head and feeling her fingernails scrape uncomfortably across her scalp. 'El, that's enough. That was your last chance. Please don't demean me by thinking that you can just make this up to me somehow, because you can't. I'm done.'

_Oh no, oh no, she can't, she can't be..._ 'Liv, I'm sorry, please give me another chance...'

She let out a cry of exasperation. _How DARE he?_ 'No, Elliot, NO, I WON'T, I can't TAKE it any more, I CAN'T, why can't you just LISTEN for once, the amount of SHIT you have put me through, the amount of shit I have TAKEN from you, this is the LAST TIME-' She stopped suddenly, a look of bewilderment crossing her face. _What... what the... that pain..._ 'El...' She had gone very pale. 'El, I don't feel...'

Elliot frowned. 'Liv?'

'El, I...' Her knees went from under her and she collapsed forwards against his chest and clung onto him, her hands grabbing at his arms as she tried to hold herself up, her eyes wide with fear and shock.

'Liv?' Elliot's stomach lurched as he tried to help hold her up, watching her knees sagging, the sides of her ankles dragging against the ground as her legs folded limply in on themselves. He heard something gurgling deep inside her throat. 'Liv? Oh God, Liv?'

She looked up and met his eyes, her face full of confusion. 'El, please.. ' She slowly lost her grip and sank to her knees, and then she coughed, a gush of blood pouring from her mouth. _Oh God, what's happening to me?_

'Oh no, oh God, Liv, Liv, come on.' Elliot was already kneeling beside her, hooking his arm around her waist and lowering her carefully onto her back. 'Liv, can you hear me?' _Oh God, I shouldn't have come, if I hadn't come then she wouldn't be here..._

'El...' _Oh God, oh God..._ Olivia blinked, feeling Elliot's hand gripping hers as he leaned over her, stroking her hair. _Oh no..._ She tried to reach out for him, desperately wanting to cling onto him. _El, help me..._

'Liv, it's OK, ssshhh, it's OK...' Elliot wiped the blood off her face with his sleeve and stroked her cheek as she looked up at him, her eyes wide and panicked. 'Liv, come on, talk to me, talk to me, it's OK, Liv, it's OK...' He gestured frantically for help. _Where the hell is everyone?_

_El... _Olivia's mouth was wide open as she gasped, her eyes staring frantically up at his face. _ El, I can't breathe..._

'Liv, stay with me, OK?' _They'd cleared the area. _Elliot's blood ran cold._ Oh God, they've cleared the area. The bastards have cleared the area until they find the guy who shot her._ He forced down a fresh wave of panic. 'Liv, it's OK, deep breaths for me, OK?' He leaned down, kissed her forehead and began to stroke her hair again, whispering soothingly. 'Ssshhh, Liv, ssshhh, come on, I know, I know, sssshhhhh, it's OK...'

Olivia could feel herself drifting. _El..._ She closed her eyes. _El..._

_Jesus._ 'Liv? Liv, hang on for me, OK?' Elliot shook her gently until she finally opened her eyes again. _Thank God._ 'Come on, Liv, talk to me.' _You should go and find someone, drag them back here, force them to help her. You can't do anything for her here, not alone. _ He looked down at her, feeling her hand shaking as it held tightly onto his, watching her eyes wandering vaguely around his face as she blinked. _No._ He was afraid she'd give up if she thought he'd left her. 'Sssshhh, Liv, it's OK, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere, OK?' He squeezed her hand again. 'OK?'

_El, please... _She coughed again, tasting blood in her mouth and feeling it pour down her chin, and then she was choking on it, and she gagged, turning her face aside as she vomited up thick red clots of it. _Oh no..._

_Oh Jesus oh Jesus oh Jesus..._ 'Sssshhh, Liv, come on...' Elliot wrapped his arm around her shoulders and lifted her up and into his arms, sticking his fingers into her mouth and clearing her throat as she coughed. 'There you go, you're alright, you're alright...'

_El, help me, help me..._ She finally felt her fingers beginning to curl around his shirt and she began to rub the fabric between her fingers, her other hand still firmly grasped in Elliot's. _El..._

'Liv, Liv, it's OK, I'm here, I'm so, so sorry, Liv, I am...' He hugged her tightly against his chest, stroking her hair. _This is your fault, he shot her in the back, you should have seen him, you should have stopped him, you should have been looking out for her like she would for you..._ He bit his lip and stroked her cheek with his thumb. 'Liv, come on, please, I'm begging you...' _You let this happen. You did this._

A creeping numbness was beginning to spread through Olivia's body. _El, what's happening... El... help me, El, help me... _Her hand slipped away from his shirt to hang uselessly by her side. _Oh God, El..._

'Liv, oh God, Liv, I am so sorry, please, Liv, don't do this...' He kissed her forehead and wrapped his arm tighter around her shoulders. 'Come on, Liv, come on...'

_El, please..._ She could feel herself losing her grip on Elliot's hand. _No... no, I need him... _

'Liv, NO, hold on, OK?' He tightened his grip on her hand. 'You CANNOT do this to me, do you understand?'

_I can't lose him... I couldn't bear it... _Olivia blinked. _El... I can't..._

'Liv! LIV!' She wasn't holding his gaze any more. 'LIV!'

_El..._ The world around her was beginning to fade in and out.

'Liv, come on, please!'

She could feel him shaking her.

'OLIVIA! Olivia, PLEASE!'

'LIV!'

'OLIVIA!'

_**A/N: Soooo... more?**_


	2. Chapter 1

_**A/N: Sorry it took so long to get the new chapter, up, but I was focused on my Christmas story and all the fun smut! Anyway, here you go, it has some flashback bits (some young, still-in-uniform Liv) but not actual, physical E/O as of yet... but I hope you all enjoy it anyway!**_

_**Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed so far, I really appreciate all your support, and I really hope that this chapter gets as much interest. Please send me a review to let me know (**__**It really makes my day to get one of those little 'ReviewAlert' emails...) **__** and I'll try and get a good start on Chapter 2 for you!**_

_**svucrazyfan, I'm happy you liked it so much, and I hope this chapter is worth the wait.**_

_**ashleysvureader, the same to you, and thanks for reviewing this one too... you are one of my regulars and I really appreciate it.**_

_**lexiaalia93, were you really that into it? Wow! That actually made my day when I got that review, so thank you so much!**_

_**lou3174, I'm sorry for doing that to you and for keeping you hanging so long... but hopefully this chapter will at least start to make it all better...**_

_**YourTimeIsNow, I'm so sorry for the wait, but here it is! **_

_**MariskaHargitaylove, here's a bit of an update on Liv for you, and there's more to come!**_

_**kimdonovan, is this chapter worth the wait? I hope so...**_

_**angibby989, I'm sorry for taking so long on this... but the next update shouldn't take so long, I just have a couple more of 'Nollaig Shona Daoibh' and another one of Heritage to go up before I put up the next one of this story...**_

_**homeric, no, it wasn't really a great night for her all told... maybe that's why she's refusing to talk to Elliot... **_

_**So, marathon note over, and here's the new chapter... I hope you all enjoy it, and please, PLEASE send me a review to let me know! **_

'Olivia...' Elliot frowned. 'Olivia...'

_'...El, that's enough. That was your last chance...' _

'No, Liv, please...'

_'...the amount of shit you have put me through, the amount of shit I have taken from you, this is the last time...'_

''But Liv, I'm sorry, I told you I'm sorry...

_'...please don't demean me by thinking that you can just make this up to me somehow...'_

'El?' He felt a hand on his shoulder. 'El, wake up, it's me...'

_'...I can't take it any more...'_

'Liv?' Elliot felt a brief flash of hope. 'Liv? Olivia?'

_'...I'm done...'_

'El, come on, wake up!' She shook him, her voice full of irritation.

_No..._ His heart sank and he opened his eyes reluctantly. _Kathy..._

'For God's sake, El, that's the fifth time this night I've heard you talking to her in your sleep...' Kathy sat up in bed and kicked off the covers. 'And it's not just last night, it's every single goddamn night, Liv this, Liv that-'

Elliot's eyes narrowed. 'And?'

'And, it's not healthy to obsess over her like this.' Kathy rolled her eyes. 'She's not going to call you, El. I see the way you jump every time the phone rings or whenever someone knocks on the door, and it's getting ridiculous. You can't make this better. Stop doing this to yourself. It's never going to be her.'

_Well, maybe if she knew where the hell I was, maybe if I was at home in my lovely, quiet, bitch-free apartment rather than at your control-freak sister's house in New Jersey... _'Why the hell not?' _Because you want to keep me all to yourself? We both know that that's why you brought me here, because I got injured and I almost got her killed, and you saw your opportunity and you took it. You might have told Cragen where I was, but you certainly didn't tell her. Congratulations, you won. She's made it quite clear that she never wants to see me again, and now she doesn't even know where to find me if she changes her mind. Are you happy?_

Kathy was leaning over him now and fluffing up the pillows behind his head. 'Because, El, if she was going to try and contact you, she would have done it by now.' She sat back and looked at him. 'It's been almost a month, and it's time you started to let go.'

_Make me._ Elliot gritted his teeth, trying not to let the hurt show on his face. _You don't know that she won't call... _

He could tell that Kathy knew what he was thinking. 'El, she won't.' She sighed wearily and climbed out of bed. 'Look, just stay here and I'll go and get your pills, OK?'

Elliot ignored her. _He was so sick of Kathy trying to play the part of the long-suffering nurse..._ The second she thought Olivia might be out of the picture she was back and hanging around like a bad smell, trying to make him think she was indispensable and perfect and that he should never have let her go... He cursed her under his breath. _Manipulative bitch._

'OK, El?' She was staring at him impatiently, one eyebrow raised.

_What the hell do you want from me, a fucking round of applause?_ He rolled his eyes angrily. 'Yes, fine, go.' _I don't give a flying fuck what you do, to be entirely honest with you. _

He turned over onto his side as she left the room, feeling another stab of pain from his abdomen and being oddly comforted by it. It was a reminder that the bullet that had passed through the right ventricle of Olivia's heart and ripped out part of her lung was still safely lodged inside his own liver.

_It would still be nice if it would heal a little bit though._ He rubbed his side uncomfortably.

The doctor had told him that the liver was the only human organ that could regenerate itself, and he liked the idea of it growing around a piece of her, however small. It was... it was nice, it was soothing, the idea that even if she wouldn't talk to him, even if she refused to ever speak to him again, he'd still have that part of her there, where no one could get to it and take it away...

_You're a creep, Elliot._

No he wasn't. _It wasn't his fault that they couldn't take the bullet out, it wasn't like he'd told them not to, it was wedged between two major blood vessels, it would have been too dangerous to try and remove it..._

Sometimes when he moved he thought he could feel it in there, but the one time he had stupidly mentioned this to Kathy, while he was high on the wonderful, wonderful morphine, she'd snapped and told him not to be so ridiculous. It apparently 'wasn't healthy' to think like that. He sighed. _It won't be long before she tries to tell me that it isn't healthy to breathe..._

He pushed away a fresh surge of irritation at his wife. _Her and her stupid pseudo-psychology and guilt trips._

He hadn't even known that he'd been shot at first. He'd been so focused on Olivia and on keeping her alive that hadn't even noticed that he was injured himself until he'd tried to stand up to follow the EMTs into the ambulance and collapsed onto the road, only realising as he lay on the ground struggling to breathe that the blood his shirt was soaked in wasn't all hers. Oddly enough, though, he still hadn't felt any pain until much later. He hoped that she'd been that lucky. He couldn't bear the thought of her being frightened and in unbearable pain while she was alone in the ambulance with those coward EMTs, not knowing where he was or why he wasn't there with her.

_Maybe that's why she's pissed at me, because she thinks I left her, or that I just couldn't be bothered to come and see her when she was in the hospital. She might not even know that I was in ICU myself for the first few days._ He'd made Munch promise to pass on a message to her explaining everything, but she hadn't believed him.

_You should have made the effort to deliver it yourself, however bad your injuries were._ He felt a rush of anger at his own weakness, and then a cold twinge of fear. _Oh God, what if she thinks I'm deliberately avoiding her?_ He bit his lip, an unpleasant sensation of anguish settling in his stomach. _She might be looking for me, she probably has no idea that Kathy's dragged me off to New Jersey, something about it being 'healthier' than staying in the city in my own apartment, and she would know, God knows she's become the authority on what's healthy and what's not recently-_

_Why don't you just call her?_

Elliot stopped.

_I could call her._

_Oh God, I could call her._

He shook his head in disbelief. _Why didn't that even occur to me?_

_Probably because Kathy's been deliberately keeping you so drugged up that you barely even know what day it is anymore, it's like something out of 'Misery'..._ The anguish was immediately replaced by a heavy burst of resentment. _Damn Kathy... _

_Just call her yourself. Kathy will never know, you can hang up before she even comes back into the room, at the very least you'd get to hear her voice, even if she hangs up as soon as she realises it's you._..

Elliot felt a pang of sadness. He needed to hear her voice. Even if she didn't want to talk to him, hearing her voice would be enough. He missed her. Asking Alex to pass on messages to her for him just wasn't enough any more.

He glanced around and forced himself upright, trying not to cry out from the screaming pain that ran up his arms. _That was one injury he could definitely do without. Stupid flying glass._ He shook it off and grabbed the phone.

Where should he try first? Not the SVU, they'd made it perfectly clear what they thought of him for putting himself and Olivia into such a dangerous situation in the first place, as well as exactly whose side they were on. _She's the squad favourite, everyone loves her, and you almost got her killed. No wonder they all hate you._

The few days he'd been back at work, before the haemorrhage but still way, WAY before he was even close to being physically fit for it, had been almost unbearably awkward. The bastards would barely even look at him except to tell him that no, she wasn't in the hospital any more, and that no, he shouldn't bother trying to call her.

Elliot pushed down a rising feeling of rage at the memory. He knew that if one of them answered her desk phone now, which was entirely possible if she was out on a case, then he'd just start shouting at them again, and then they'd tell her, and then she'd never call him back no matter how much he begged.

He felt a surge of bitterness. _Indefinite paid medical leave my ass, they might as well just say 'fired' and be done with it..._

_No, Elliot, focus._ Her cell phone. Try her cell phone.

_Liv..._ He smiled and eagerly started to punch in the number, and then he stopped. _What if it's been disconnected? What if she changed providers, got a new phone, just felt like a change? _He hesitated for a second. _Oh well, only one way to find out._

He waited patiently, mentally rehearsing what he was going to say, and then his heart sank as it clicked through into voicemail. _God damn it, I hate_ _leaving voicemail messages-_

'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson-'

He nearly fainted with the shock of hearing her voice again for the first time in so long. 'Liv...'

'-I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now-'

_She sounds so well, she sounds like... like her... _ He felt better already. He'd been so worried about her, and knowing that she was OK was...

'-please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'

BEEP.

Elliot opened his mouth and suddenly realised he had no idea what to say. 'Liv?' He cleared his throat. 'Liv, it's me, it's El, I'm so sorry I haven't called you, but...' He stopped and bit his lip. _God, I don't know what to say..._ 'Liv, I'm really sorry, just about, well, about everything, all the shit that I've done-'

_Oh shit. Kathy. Kathy's coming._ He could hear her footsteps moving down the hallway.

'Liv, I'm sorry, I have to go, but...' Elliot paused and swallowed awkwardly. 'I love you, OK? Don't forget that.'

He quickly hung up the phone and sat up straight in bed, smiling innocently at Kathy as she walked into the room. _Casual and cheery, Elliot, casual and cheery._ 'Hi, Kath, what took you so long?'

She rolled her eyes, setting the pill bottles down on the nightstand. 'I couldn't find the key to the medicine cabinet.'

_Because God forbid you let me try and look after myself, you controlling bitch._ He felt an odd tinge of satisfaction at the thought of her ransacking the house looking for that tiny silver key. 'Oh, that's unfortunate...'

Kathy ignored him. 'Who were you talking to?'

_Shit._ 'No one, I wasn't talking to anyone-'

'You were. The phone's moved. Who were you on the phone to?'

_Who the hell do you think you are, fucking Nancy Drew?_ 'The speaking clock.' He gave her a look of triumph. 'I was talking to the speaking clock.'

Kathy shot him a look. 'As helpful as the speaking clock is, El, I've never told it I loved it before.' She started emptying pills into her hand from the various bottles, and then she grabbed a larger brown plastic bottle and some gauze swabs from the drawer. 'I'm just going to clean those cuts for you, OK?'

_Like I have a choice._ Elliot sighed and obediently held out his arms, wincing as Kathy started to wipe carefully around the stitches. _Who would have known flying glass could do so much damage?_

Kathy smiled at him. 'Your captain called earlier. Everyone says hi and that they hope you feel better soon.' She looked up at him expectantly. 'They all miss having you around, El. They said it's not the same without you there.'

_Liars. _'That's nice.' Elliot closed his eyes and thought about Olivia, smiling to himself. He'd made the first move and called her. He'd heard her voice for the first time in weeks, and maybe she'd call him back, maybe she just needed to know that he wanted to talk to her before she contacted him herself...

She'd always been like that, she'd been like that the day they first met, although met might be a bit of a strong word - he'd seen her, hell, he'd not been able to take his eyes off her, but he hadn't actually worked up the nerve to talk to her until it was too late and she was about to leave, and then he'd spent five years kicking himself over it.

He wasn't going to make that mistake again.

_March 1993_

_'Hey. Hey, Cap?'_

_Cragen sighed impatiently, looking up from his paperwork. 'What is it, Elliot?'_

_Elliot pointed across the room at a dark-haired young woman in NYPD uniform. 'Who's she?'_

_Cragen glanced across the room. 'Some beat cop. Come to pick up a file requested by one of the other precincts.'_

_Casual, Elliot, sound casual. 'You don't know her name?'_

_'No, Elliot, but I do know your wife's name.' Cragen rolled his eyes and went back to his paperwork. 'Keep it in your pants, Detective.'_

_Elliot barely managed to hide his irritation. Does he have to make it sound so cheap? It's not like I just want to fuck her or something. He went back to his desk and sat down, carefully angling his chair to look at her without making it too obvious. _

_She had her long dark hair pinned up in a bun on the back of her head, a few loose strands curling down the back of her neck, and he briefly wondered what it might be like to unpin it and run his hands through it, wondering if it was naturally straight or whether it fell in waves, whether it felt as soft as it looked... _

_He craned his neck a little more and managed to catch a glimpse of her face as she laughed, her lips stained a subtle burnt red and her warm brown eyes made up with probably more eyeliner than was strictly allowed under NYPD uniform policies._

_He smiled to himself. Somehow he got the feeling that she probably got away with a lot worse than that without any trouble._

_He leaned forward against his desk and pretended to work, watching her talking and smiling and laughing as she joked with the other two beat cops she'd come in with, just one of the guys, and then she abruptly turned away again, leaving him feeling oddly bereft._

_This girl was... special. Different. She couldn't have been older then 24 or 25 at the most, but she had a kind of depth to her that made him desperately want to get to know her better._

_Like you have a chance. _

_A girl like that was probably fighting off men with a sharp stick. _

_He felt a twinge of guilt. Unmarried, single men, who didn't have a young pregnant wife and two small children waiting at home._

_In that moment she turned her head for a second and caught him looking, and then she was blushing, her pale skin flushing a deep pink underneath the layer of foundation that, as far as he could tell, she really didn't need. _

_He smiled at her and tentatively held up his hand in greeting, and then she was biting her lip shyly as she smiled back, a strand of hair from her fringe falling over her right eye and catching on a mascara-laden eyelash as she brushed it away._

_Elliot felt his jaw actually drop. OK, I have to talk to this girl. He got to his feet, and then her radio was crackling and she craned her neck down for a second, speaking rapidly into it. She smiled apologetically at him, gave a sad little wave, and then turned and walked out of the room._

'El?' Kathy was looking at him as she arranged his drugs on the nightstand and packed away the bottles. 'You're thinking about her, aren't you?'

Elliot shook his head. 'No.' _Every minute of every day._ 'No, I'm not.'

_**A/N: What do you all think? Please send me a review and let me know!**_


	3. Chapter 2

**_A/N: So, I really wasn't expecting this to be finished so fast, but... here it is! Thank you for all your reviews on the last chapter, and please let me know what you think of this one too._**

**_Cfhonan - I'm happy you liked it. I don't think I've done a flashback that far back before but it's something I could see happening... someone as interested in SVU work as Olivia would probably take any chance she could get to see the unit from the inside, even just collecting a file..._**

**_YourTimeIsNow - Thank you so much! You made me glow a little with pride! Anyway, I hope you like this chapter just as much as the last two..._**

**_ashleysvureader - Thank you too =) I'm always trying to think of something new to try, so I'm happy you think this idea seems quite fresh._**

**_Hailey - I'm glad you liked the flashback too =) And that you also liked the prologue! Hopefully you'll like this one too... it has a lot more phone time, as well as another pretty long flashback!_**

**_morgancorinthos84 - Oh my God. That may be one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. You made my week. Hell, you quite possibly made my month. As far as first-reviews-of-the-new-year go... damn. You set the bar high. THANK YOU! (and I hope you like this chapter too.)_**

**_(everyone who has reviewed my newest Munch-centric one - thank you, and I'll definitely be continuing with it!) _******

**_Anyway... I hope you all like this chapter just as much as the last one, and please, please let me know what you think!_**

* * *

><p><strong>'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'<strong>

_**BEEP.**_

'Liv?' Elliot bit his lip. It might have been over a week since he'd last tried to call her, but he wasn't finding it any easier to think of what to say. 'Uh... I'm sorry it's been so long since I called, but I was hoping you'd contact me, and then you didn't, and then I just...' _Stop making excuses, Elliot._ 'Anyway... I just wanted you to know that I haven't forgotten you, I could never do that, Liv, I will never do that...'

He swallowed nervously. 'I was... I was thinking about the day we first met, the day I first saw you 18 years ago... you probably don't remember, you probably didn't even really notice me, but you were still in your uniform and you were wearing that red lipstick and dark eyeliner, and you had your hair pinned up in a bun...' He smiled. 'And then, when you caught me looking, you smiled at me. Do you remember that? I-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

Elliot cursed to himself and pressed redial. _Stupid impatient voicemail piece of crap-_

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

Elliot took a deep breath. 'Hi, Liv, it's me again...' _It's me again? It's me again? _He mentally kicked himself. _What, you don't think that after thirteen years together she maybe, just maybe, knows your voice by now? _ _Idiot._ 'Anyway... uh... I just wanted to tell you how much I wanted to talk to you. Back then, I mean. Not that I don't want to talk to you now, I'd love to talk to you now, and...' He quickly wiped his eyes. 'Kathy took the phone away after the last time I called you, but I crawled twenty feet down the hallway to get to the other one, and I did that just so that I could call you again. It hurt, but I still did it, Liv, and that's how desperate I am to talk to you.' He sighed. 'I wanted to talk to you then, and I want to talk to you now, so, you know, really, it's then and now.' _Eloquent, asshole._ 'I...' He chewed on his lip. 'I really regret not having worked up the guts to talk to you until it was too late. I kicked myself for five years over that, you have no idea, and then when I saw you again, when you walked back into the unit proudly wearing your brand new gold badge, and I found out that you were actually going to be working there, it... it was amazing.' He smiled. 'It was amazing, Liv, it really was, and I... I-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_Wow, this thing really knows how to kill a moment._ Elliot swore to himself and hit redial again.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'Liv... Liv, I...' Elliot cleared his throat awkwardly, and then he smiled. 'You know, when you first arrived, you were actually assigned to Munch. I don't know if anyone ever told you that.' _And then he barely talked to me for over a month after I blackmailed the captain into giving you to me instead._ 'I could tell, you know, that you were special, that you were all I wanted, the second I saw you I just knew, and... and the idea that you would be working in the same room as me, that I'd have to look at you all day while you smiled and laughed and bonded with someone else, was just too much.' He smiled again, stroking the body of the phone with his thumb. 'I asked for you, Liv. It wasn't chance, it was me. I asked to be with you, hell, I begged, I bargained, and in the end I threatened, and...' He sighed. 'And when it came down to it, all I wanted was to be with you. I've always wanted to be with you, Liv, from the moment that I saw you...'

_September 1998_

_Elliot swore and dropped the file he'd been trying to read on top of the huge stack that was still stubbornly piled in his in-tray. This. This is the kind of shit that I need a partner for. _

_Well, maybe if you weren't such an asshole to all of them they might hang around for more than a few months..._

_I'm not an asshole. They're just all idiots._

_Yeah, you keep telling yourself that._

_He muttered angrily to himself. Stupid paperwork, waste of time-_

_'Hi, is, uh...' Elliot heard someone clear their throat. 'Is Captain Cragen here?'_

_Elliot swore to himself and glanced up. Great, another person to bug me, just what I- _

_NO. _

_Oh, no, there was no way..._

_It couldn't be._

_It was._

_It was Her. _

_Elliot could feel himself staring._

_Her hair was shorter, she'd finally ditched most of the makeup, and she was wearing a loose, clearly brand-new grey suit instead of a uniform, but... it was definitely her._

_It's been five years, you idiot, how can you possibly know that it's Her? Do you have any idea how unlikely that is? You saw her for maybe two minutes, over five years ago!_

_No. It was Her. He just knew._

_It was Her, and she was standing in the middle of his squad room, fiddling nervously with the fabric of her suit jacket and with a gold badge clipped to her belt._

_Stop it, Elliot. You're staring._

_Jesus, is your mouth actually hanging open?_

_Shit. It was._

_Well done. Now she probably thinks you're mentally subnormal._

_Idiot._

_He quickly closed his mouth and stood up. 'I'll, uh, go get him for you.'_

_'Oh.' She smiled at him. 'Thank you, uh, Detective...' She looked at him expectantly._

_'Elliot. Call me Elliot.' He managed an awkward smile and then ran into Cragen's office, not even pausing to knock on the door. 'Cap, Cap, there's a girl outside!'_

_Oh my God. Elliot suddenly realised what he'd just said._

_What. The fuck. _

_He could hear slow clapping in his head._

_Jesus Christ, Elliot._

_'A girl?' Cragen raised an eyebrow. 'I'm assuming you mean Detective Benson. She's meant to be joining us today.' He stood up. 'I'll go and-'_

_Elliot cut him off. 'Cap, I want her.'_

_Cragen frowned. 'Elliot, I don't think I've ever had to say this before, but your sexual desires are very much your own business.'_

_Elliot felt himself blushing. 'No, no, not like that, I don't want her like that...' Yes you do. 'I mean, as a partner. I want her as a partner.'_

_Cragen sighed and sat on the edge of his desk. 'Elliot. You've gone through six partners in three years. You're giving us a bad name. They've started using our unit as a cautionary tale.'_

_'So?'_

_Cragen rolled his eyes. 'So, you're working alone. I've assigned her to Munch.'_

_Elliot's jaw dropped. Munch? Fucking MUNCH? 'Come on, Cap, I really need a new partner, why can't-'_

_'Because, Elliot, we both know that you'll scare her away within six months, and then I'll be down yet another talented young detective.'_

_Well, maybe if you'd stop giving me idiots to work with- 'I won't...'_

_'You will. And anyway, John needs a new partner. Jeffries won't work with him anymore, not since that incident in the on-call room.'_

_Damn him. Elliot rolled his eyes. 'Well, give him Cassidy!'_

_'Elliot...' Cragen sighed again. 'The whole point of Cassidy not being partnered with anyone is that we can leave him in a corner of the squad room and pretend that he's not there.'_

_'Well...' Elliot desperately tried to think of a good argument. 'Well, I'm sure Munch can teach him everything he needs to know, it could be good for both of them-'_

_'Elliot.' Cragen gave him a look. 'She's John's new partner. Stop trying to argue with me. I'm not going to change my mind.'_

_Elliot sighed. I didn't want it to have to come to this, but... 'Cap... don't make me tell everyone about the night of the 1997 Christmas party...'_

_Cragen went visibly pale. 'You wouldn't.'_

_'I would.' Elliot crossed his arms. 'Try me.'_

_Cragen's eyes narrowed. 'You son of a bitch...'_

_Elliot shrugged. Seems fair. 'Don't worry, no one has to know, you just have to do me this one favour, and I'll magically forget all about it...' He smiled innocently. 'Would you like that?' And then maybe next time you should lock the door._

_'Damn you.' Cragen gave Elliot a dirty look. 'But you have to go and tell John that Cassidy's going to be his new best friend. I'm not having any part of this.'_

_'Fine by me.' Elliot turned and almost ran back out of the office. She's mine, she's mine, she's mine- _

_She was sitting on the edge of Munch's desk, smiling and listening to him tell one of his creepy stories, and Elliot smiled to himself. She was so lovely when she laughed, her hair falling into her eyes and her cheeks flushing a pale pink..._

_Munch shot him a smug look, and Elliot shook himself. Focus, idiot. He took a deep breath, walked over to her and cleared his throat. 'Uh, Detective Benson?'_

_She looked up and smiled at him, and Elliot felt his stomach turn over. 'Yes?'_

_'I'm Elliot, your new partner.'_

_'What?' The smug look on Munch's face immediately vanished. 'But I thought I was the one due a new partner!'_

_Elliot gave him a cheery look. 'Oh, yeah, I talked to Cragen, and he said he's going to put you with Cassidy for now.'_

_Munch's jaw dropped. 'Cassidy? He's put me with that ignoramus CASSIDY?'_

_Cassidy frowned. 'What's an ignoramus?'_

_'It's a... uh, it's, um, a... a kind friend.' Elliot shot Munch a look. 'Be nice, John.'_

_Munch looked even more affronted. 'I am nice!'_

_You're never nice. 'Look, John, stop complaining. You're with Cassidy, OK?'_

_'No, not OK!' Munch stood up. 'Captain!'_

_Elliot sighed and gave Her a quick smile. 'Uh, sorry about this.'_

_'Oh no, don't worry, this is fun.' She grinned. 'Carry on.'_

_Cragen stuck his head wearily out of his office. 'What is it, John?'_

_'Elliot says that you've put me with Cassidy!'_

_'Yes, that's right.' He gave Elliot a look._

_Munch pouted. 'But I thought you said that the next new detective would be my partner!'_

_'I did, but...' Cragen shrugged. 'What can I say, Elliot makes a very compelling argument.'_

_Yeah, there's nothing more compelling than cold hard blackmail. Elliot smirked to himself. 'See, John? I told you.'_

_'But CASSIDY?' Munch shook his head in disbelief. 'Yesterday he spent three hours making conversation with a pot of begonias!'_

_Cassidy looked hurt. 'They were poinsettias.'_

_'You see?' Munch shot Elliot a dirty look. 'You see what I'd have to work with?'_

_Cragen shrugged again. 'What? He has charm.'_

_Munch's eyes narrowed. 'Yeah, and so did the Scarecrow, and just look how far that got him.'_

_Cassidy looked up and broke into a wide smile. 'To Oz!'_

_Munch rolled his eyes. 'What?'_

_'To Oz.' Cassidy smiled happily. 'It got him to Oz.'_

_'Jesus H Christ...' Munch shook his head. 'You'll pay for this, Stabler.' He grabbed a newspaper and stalked towards the door. 'If anyone wants me, I'll be in the porcelain reading room.' He shot Elliot a look. 'Plotting.'_

_Elliot felt a tinge of dread. That can't be good._

_He heard Her clear her throat. 'So, is it always like this here?'_

_Elliot smiled at her. 'Pretty much, yes.'_

_She grinned. 'Awesome.' _

_Elliot blinked. My God, I may actually love this girl. 'I'm, uh, glad that you think so.' He sat beside Her on the edge of Munch's desk, trying to look casual, and immediately knocked over a stack of papers. Shit. 'I, uh...'_

_'Don't worry, I didn't see anything.' She glanced at the mess of papers and barely stifled a laugh. 'So, you're my new partner?' _

_Play it cool, Elliot. He nodded. 'Seems like.'_

_'Cool.' She flashed him a quick smile, brushing her hair back off her face. 'So, tell me a bit about yourself.'_

_'Uh, well, I'm, uh...' Elliot trailed off. She was smiling at him again. Focus, idiot. 'I'm Elliot.'_

_She laughed. 'I know.'_

_'Really?' Elliot frowned. 'How?'_

_'Well, for one thing, I'm really, REALLY good...' She raised an eyebrow at him. _

_Elliot blinked. Jesus. He quickly crossed his legs and grabbed a file off Munch's desk to hold casually in his lap. 'Uh, really?'_

_'Yes.' She grinned. 'And you told me five minutes ago. Twice. Remember?'_

_'Oh.' Elliot felt himself turning bright pink. Shit. 'Oh, yes. Sorry.'_

_'That's OK.' She smiled and held out her hand. 'I'm Olivia.'_

**_A/N: So, what did you all think? Please send me a review and let me know!_**

****_**(And Winters/Meloni fans - if you**** spotted my little in-joke... kudos. =))** _


	4. Chapter 3

_**A/N: Yes, I updated ANOTHER one of my stories! It seems that I'm on a roll. I figured that if gemfinder360 can write a whole story for me then I should at least be able to manage a chapter for her... so here you are! It's different from the last chapter in that it's only Elliot, there's no flashbacks or Kathy or Olivia (although she'll be in the next one), but hopefully you'll all like it anyway, and please send me a review to let me know what you think.**_

_**Hailey, you are right. That is not who is meant to date who. I once had a dream in which Munch and Fin were a couple and I think it broke my brain. Urgh. Anyway, I'm happy you liked the flashback!**_

_**gemfinder360, I hope you like this chapter since it's for you! And as for what happened at the party - all will be revealed.**_

_**Cfhonan, I'm glad you think that, and hopefully the story will still keep on getting better as it progresses. **_

_**Aly Bensler Cullen, I have babysat many doe-eyed Irish children, have an adorable dog and several cats. I am well skilled at resisting the face. However... I updated anyway. Enjoy :) And I'm so happy you like my story so much!**_

_**lou3174, I'm glad you liked it too, and all will become clearer as the story progresses... keep watching the flashbacks! And it wasn't so much that they made up than that their fight was interrupted by rather more urgent concerns...**_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, here's the update, and I hope you like it. **_

_**Anyway, note over, here's the chapter, I hope you like it, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!**_

* * *

><p><strong>'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'<strong>

_**BEEP.**_

'Hi, Liv...' Elliot swallowed nervously, fiddling with the phone cord. 'I... Liv, I... um...'

_Fuck._ He stopped, silently cursing himself. _Great start there, idiot. _

He tried again. 'Liv... I'm sorry it's been so long since I last called you.'

_That's much better. Next time, why don't you open with that rather than with incoherent rambling?_

Elliot bit his lip. 'I wanted to call you, Liv, I swear I wanted to, it was all I could think about, you know, talking to you and hearing your voice again, but...' He sighed. 'I couldn't call you until now, I had to wait for Kathy to go out because she won't let me near the phone, but that's all it was, I wasn't ignoring you, I swear...'

_Stop making excuses, Elliot, you know she hates that._

He felt a twinge of sadness. _Yes, I do._ 'Liv... even if I haven't called, I've still been thinking about you.' He smiled. 'I'm always thinking about you, Liv... I lie there at night and think about how great we were together, how much of a great team we were-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_Stupid voicemail._ Elliot sighed again and hit redial, patiently waiting for the voicemail welcome message to kick in.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'Sorry about that, Liv, it keeps cutting me off right when I'm getting started.' Elliot managed an awkward laugh. 'Maybe if you answered your phone I could talk more-'

_No, Elliot, you sound like you're angry, if she thinks you're angry she'll never call back and you'll never see her again. Is that what you want? Is it?_

He mentally kicked himself. _Moron._ 'I'm sorry, Liv, that came out wrong, I just meant...' He bit his lip and started to pull at the fraying edges of his bandages, rubbing the gauze between his fingers. 'I just wish that I could talk to you properly... that's all. Liv, I... I miss you. I miss our talks, I miss our evenings together, I miss working late and being alone in the precinct, just you and me-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_Damn it._ Elliot rolled his eyes and hit redial.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'Hi, Liv, it's me again-' He stopped. _Every time you do this, Elliot. Every damn time you do this, and every time you know how much of an idiot you sound, but you still go and do it anyway!_ He cursed under his breath. _'Oh hi, Liv, it's me again, just in case you hadn't guessed!' _He rolled his eyes. _Idiot._ 'Liv, we always had a bond, not just the normal bond that all partners have, a special bond that was ours alone...' He smiled. 'I just loved being with you, and I thought you loved being with me, all those nights we spent together...' He swallowed, suddenly horribly afraid that he might cry. 'Please don't turn your back on that, Liv, please, I couldn't bear it, I need you-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_Oh, for the love of... _Elliot silently cursed the voicemail and pressed the redial button. _Pick up pick up pick up pick up-_

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

He felt a twinge of disappointment. 'OK, Liv... I guess you're busy, or that you just really, really don't want to talk to me, but please... just five minutes. Five minutes for me to tell you how sorry I am, how very, very sorry, Liv, surely after all these years I'm at least worth that, aren't I?' He bit his lip, fidgeting with the phone cord. 'Don't you remember all the fun we had together at work, what a fantastic team we made?' He grinned. 'Do you remember the time those gangsters came over while I was undercover and you dressed up as a hooker? I do. I-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_God DAMN it..._ He hit redial again, feeling a burning sense of impatience. _Stupid cellphone, stupid voicemail, stupid AT&T-_

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'This is probably going to sound really bad, Liv, but that night with the gangsters was... well, it was one of the sexiest things I could ever have imagined.' Elliot laughed. 'I mean, I know it wasn't the first time I'd seen you like that, but...'

_But I loved that those guys were looking at you, clearly wanting you, while I knew that you were mine..._

_Jesus, Elliot, that's creepy. You don't really think that, do you?_

_No, of course not._

_Anyway, that's not important._

He cleared his throat. 'Liv, the fact you'd do that for me, the fact that you were so confident and sure of yourself while you were doing it... it was just... you.' He sighed, stroking the body of the phone with his thumb and staring at the floor. 'You were just... you, and I loved that, I really did...' He trailed off, biting down hard on his lip. _Don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry-_

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_Stupid voicemail piece of shit..._ Elliot clenched his fists and hit redial, wincing at the fiery pain that shot up his arms. _Pain in the ass son of a bitch phone-_

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'Olivia... you were always there for me, not just that night with the gangsters, but always, and I-' He sniffed, choking back a sob. 'And I wasn't there for you enough, I know I wasn't, and I am so, so sorry, I wish I could make it up to you, but I can't, not in a thousand years could I possibly make it up to you, and I...' He trailed off, taking a deep breath and clenching his fists.

_Elliot, you CANNOT cry._

'Liv-' Elliot felt his voice catch in his throat. _Shit. _'Liv, I'm sorry I wasn't there that night at the prison. I would have been if I could, but-' _Stop making excuses, Elliot._ 'I should have been there, Liv. I know I should have, but I wasn't, and I let that happen to you, and I-' He swallowed awkwardly, his hand tightening around the phone until the plastic case made an odd creaking sound. 'And I am so, so sorry. I should have protected you, and I didn't.' He sighed, twisting the phone cord around his fingers. 'I don't deserve you, Olivia.'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_God DAMN it-_ Elliot went to press redial, and then he stopped.

_Maybe you should just stop calling and leave her alone._

_No! No, I can't do that, I can't..._

Elliot wiped his eyes and hit redial.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'Liv... that wasn't the only time I let you down. I know it wasn't. There were so many times, and every time I tried to weasel out of it, and I shouldn't have. I know I shouldn't have.' He could hear a wobble in his voice. 'I shouldn't have.'

_Do not start sobbing now, Elliot, you've gotten this far, now for God's sake get a hold of yourself._

He closed his eyes, silently willing himself to keep going. 'Olivia... that time... at the bus station... it was my fault. It wasn't yours. It was mine. I shouldn't have put that on you, and I know that.' He sighed. 'I knew that then, too, but...' He felt tears begin to stream down his face and cursed under his breath. 'But I was selfish. I was only thinking of myself, and I'm sorry, I am, I really am, I swear, I know I-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_Oh for FUCK'S sake..._ Elliot swore loudly and punched the redial button.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

Elliot cleared his throat. 'Olivia, I miss you. I know I'm selfish, and I know that I'm thoughtless, and I know that I don't deserve you, but I love you, Olivia, and I thought you loved me too.' He bit his lip. 'Do you? Did you ever?' _Do I even want to know?_ 'Olivia... I can't live without you. I need you. Please, please just contact me, I'm begging you, please...' He sighed. 'I promise you, Liv. I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you if you'll just give me one more chance. One more chance, that's all I'm asking.' He swallowed awkwardly. 'Please, Liv. Please.'

_**A/N: What do you think? Send me a review and let me know!**_


	5. Chapter 4

_**A/N: So, I have a new chapter of Grievance for you... and relatively soon after the last one! It's been giving me hell the past few days so I am definitely glad to see the back of it... so now it's all yours! I hope all of you like it just as much as you've liked the last few... and please send me a review to let me know what you think! **_

_**Blame seems to have really taken off recently too, so thank you everyone who has been reviewing that! **_

_**Hailey, I missed your usual advice and expertise on this one :( I hope you're having lots of fun carving the snow, and hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter once you get a chance to read it! **_

_**SoLetsPlayDoctorBabe, thank you very much!**_

_**gemfinder360, you are very welcome, and I'm really happy you like my story.**_

_**Aly Bensler Cullen, you're right, he is leaving a ton of messages for her... and I think it's bad when I turn my phone back on after a couple of weeks away and have ten new voicemails... Anyway, I hope you like this chapter just as much as you liked this one! **_

_**PiperOnlyFanFic, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'm glad you got so into it :) **_

_**But Ren Victoria, if she picked up the phone you won't have any of these flashbacks or Elliot's reminiscing to enjoy... **_

_**lou3174, thank you so so so much. You're lovely. I'm really happy you liked the chapter and I hope you like this one just as much :) **_

_**Rhonda Roo, I know... Kathy does seem a little nuts, even if she is doing it because she cares. But anyway I'm happy you like my story and I hope you keep reading and enjoying it! **_

_**morgancorinthos84, you are one of my new favourites :) I'm glad you liked this chapter, and all will be revealed in time. I'm really happy you like my other stories too, my phone was buzzing with your reviews and I had such a smile on my face you would not believe it. I will try my best to keep on going, writer's block has been plaguing me more and more of yet but I just keep on forcing my way through it... I do worry that it may affect the quality of my writing a little but you guys all seem to like it, so I go back and read my old reviews to kind of boost my confidence a little while I write, and then I just cross my fingers and pray once I publish it... Anyway, ramble aside, I'm glad you like my stories and I hope you like this chapter too.**_

_**Usual marathon note over, here's my new chapter, with a nice long flashback and a lot of Olivia for you. Please send me a review to let me know what you think, and enjoy!**_

'Capricorn: This week will be important for money and financial choices. Be sure to consider the repercussions of any impulsive purchases.' Elliot rolled his eyes. 'That sounds about right. Remember the black leather boots? I was paying for your lunches for a month after that.' _Not that I minded. Those were the sexiest boots I'd ever seen. _ He smiled. 'It's good to see you've not changed that much since I last saw you.'

He smiled again, put down the copy of Glamour he'd taken from Kathy's purse and opened the local paper. 'OK, let's see what the East Orange Ledger has to say...' He flipped quickly through the pages. 'Capricorn... This week will be important in forming romantic attachments. Watch out for a passionate stranger around the 23rd.' He frowned. 'I'm not sure I like the idea of you getting up to all sorts with some random guy, he could be some kind of predator-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'Damn...' Elliot muttered darkly under his breath and hit redial.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'Liv, you really need to do something about that voicemail, I'm beginning to think it's possessed.' Elliot rolled his eyes again. 'Where was I? Oh yes, the passionate stranger...' He sighed. 'I don't think that sounds like you. You wouldn't go off with some random stranger, would you?'

_Would you?_

Elliot shook his head. _Of course she wouldn't. _ 'I suppose you are practically Sagittarius, though. Maybe the astronomer got it a bit wrong.' He ran his finger down the page until he found the horoscope for Sagittarius. 'Sagittarius... This week, your thoughts will be dominated by issues at work. Be sure to tread carefully around your boss; confrontation is likely.' He smiled. 'Now that definitely sounds more like you.' He laughed. 'Trust you to go around picking fights without me there to keep an eye on you.'

He smiled again and started to stroke the case of the phone with his thumb. 'We always worked well together that way, Liv, we watched out for each other, we looked after each other, and...' He swallowed awkwardly. 'And Liv... it wasn't just stuff like that. You made me a better person when I was around you, and I miss that, Liv, I miss you-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'Fucksake...' Elliot hit redial again.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

'OK, time for the New York Ledger...' He picked up the paper and turned to the Lifestyle section. 'Capricorn, Capricorn, Capricorn... Capricorn!' He cleared his throat. 'This week is about family. Consider your relationships with-' He suddenly felt his voice catch in his throat. _Shit._ 'Consider your relationships with those close to you and... and...' _Shit. Shit._ 'And be sure to spend time with people you love.'

He sniffed and wiped his eyes. 'You know what that means, Liv.' He forced a smile, trying and failing to hide the wobble in his voice. 'It means you really need to call me so that we can get this whole thing straightened out. You're not really going to throw away almost 15 years of history over this, are you?' _Are you?_ 'I don't know what I can do, Liv, except tell you how sorry I am, how truly sorry I am, for what I put you through on that night with Adams, and for... and for that other thing that I did, and...' He bit his lip. 'I shouldn't have said that to you, Liv, I shouldn't have done that to you, and I know that, and I was wrong, if you'll just talk to me then maybe we can just start over, and... and...' _Elliot, you have GOT to stop crying over the phone. You sound like an idiot._ 'Please, Liv, just contact me, contact me so that I can tell you how sorry I am, how much I need you and how much I miss you and-' His voice cracked, and he tightened his grip on the phone. 'And how much I love you, Olivia.'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'Goddamn stupid insensitive voicemail...' Elliot rolled his eyes and hit redial again, cursing to himself.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

_November 1998_

_'Virgo: This week, your life will be centred around romance. Be sure to open yourself up to new and exciting possibilities, because on the 21st, you will meet a tall dark stranger...' Olivia laughed. 'Sounds like you're going to have an interesting weekend, El...'_

_Elliot rolled his eyes and took a gulp of coffee. 'I don't believe in that astrological crap.'_

_'Me neither.' She grinned at him. 'It's fun though, isn't it?'_

_Everything is fun with you. Elliot smiled. 'Yes, Liv. Yes, it is.'_

_'Then stop complaining and read me mine, you boring old Virgo.' She threw the newspaper at him and turned in her seat, crossing her legs in front of her and leaning forward eagerly. 'What've I got coming for me?'_

_'Uhhhhh...' Elliot shifted awkwardly, staring hard at the page. Don't look down her shirt, don't look down her shirt... 'Uh, Capricorn, right?'_

_She rolled her eyes. 'Yes, El, you know that.'_

_Yes, Elliot, you do. Elliot could feel himself blushing. Idiot. He cleared his throat, taking another deep swig of coffee and trying to focus on the page and not on her breasts. 'Capricorn... Capricorn: This week, you must prepare for the unexpected.'_

_Olivia raised her eyebrows at him. 'The unexpected? That's it?'_

_'Yup.' He laughed and put the paper back on the dashboard. 'Why? Was that not what you were expecting?'_

_She gave him a dirty look. 'Fuck you.'_

_Elliot sighed. 'You know, it's your refined, delicate personality that I really love about you, Olivia.' I love everything about you..._

_She crossed her arms and pouted. 'I don't love anything about you.'_

_He smiled. 'Come on, Liv, there must be something...'_

_'Nope.' She shook her head, clearly trying not to laugh. 'You're a despicable human being, Elliot Stabler. Despicable.'_

_'Well, maybe you just need to spend more time with me.' He feigned thought. 'You know, I think I should volunteer us to do this again tomorrow night, just to give us more of a chance to get to know each other properly...' _

_'Again?' Olivia shuddered. 'Fuck that.' _

_Elliot sighed. 'See, there's that lovely personality again...'_

_Olivia shot him a look 'Screw you.' She rolled her eyes. 'I still can't believe they're making us sit here watching a building a child porn crew may or may not have used over a week ago, 'just in case' they come back...'_

_Elliot raised an eyebrow at her. 'Why? Are you not expecting them to?'_

_She sighed. 'Shut up, Elliot.' _

_'Because then maybe we should call for backup now, just so we're ready when they show up with Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis-'_

_'Shut up, Elliot.'_

_'And maybe they'll even bring an honest politician, God knows I've always wanted to meet one-'_

_'Shut up, Elliot.'_

_He grinned. 'Come on, Liv. Do you really expect me to?'_

_She snorted and elbowed him gently in the ribs. 'Stop making me laugh, you asshole, I need to pee.'_

_Elliot smiled. But you have such a beautiful laugh... 'Hey, is it my fault you drank seven cups of coffee in less than three hours?'_

_She shifted awkwardly in her seat. 'Well, no...'_

_'There you go, then.' He laughed. 'Don't worry, we've only got two more hours out here.'_

_'Thank God.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'I feel like I'm about to burst.' She sighed. 'Elliot, distract me.'_

_Elliot stifled a laugh. 'Distract you?'_

_'Yes. Distract me.'_

_'What, like with circus tricks?'_

_She rolled her eyes again. 'No.'_

_'What, then?'_

_'I don't know, think of something.'_

_'Hmmm...' Elliot thought about it. 'We could play I-Spy again?'_

_Olivia shrugged. 'OK...' She glared. 'But Elliot, if you say D for Dumpster again, I swear to God I will kill you and leave your body out for the rats.'_

_He laughed. 'OK, Liv...'_

_'Good.' She settled back in her seat. 'I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... hmm...' She frowned thoughtfully. 'Something beginning with... R.'_

_'R?'_

_'Yes.' Olivia nodded. 'R.'_

_'Hmmmm...' Elliot looked around the street. 'Road.'_

_'No.'_

_'Radio.'_

_'No.'_

_'Refuse. Rain. Raindrop? No?' Elliot chewed his lip, forcing himself to think harder. 'Um... radiator?'_

_'No.' _

_'Rail. Ramp. Receptacle?'_

_She grinned. 'No.'_

_'OK.' He sighed. Damn her. 'I give up.'_

_'You give up?' Olivia rolled her eyes and gestured at the sidewalk. 'Please, Elliot, haven't you noticed the giant rat that's been staring at us since we parked here?'_

_Elliot's eyes widened. Giant rat? 'Uh, no, I hadn't, Liv...' Run, Elliot. Run for your life._

_'Well, there is, and it's right there.' She laughed and patted his hand reassuringly. 'Don't worry, El. I'll look after you.'_

_'Uh... thanks, Liv.' Elliot could feel himself blushing bright red. 'But you, uh, really don't have to... it's only a rat...' He smiled to himself. I have my Glock 19 tucked down the back of my pants, you buck-toothed giant rodent fucker._

_'I know.' Olivia smiled. 'Anyway. Your turn.'_

_'OK...' Elliot sighed. 'Beginning wi-'_

_'NO, you have to do the whole thing.'_

_'But, Liv-'_

_'THE WHOLE THING, ELLIOT.'_

_'Fine...' Elliot sighed, pushing back a creeping sense of embarrassment. 'I Spy...'_

_Olivia raised an eyebrow at him. 'With my little eye...'_

_He gave her a look. 'With my little eye...'_

_'Something beginning with...' _

_'Something beginning with... D.'_

_'D?' Olivia let out a cry of exasperation. 'Elliot, you said you wouldn't do dumpster again!'_

_Elliot smiled smugly. 'I wasn't thinking of dumpster.'_

_Her eyes narrowed. 'Like hell you weren't.'_

_'I'm not!'_

_'Fine.' Olivia sighed. 'Dashboard.'_

_'No.'_

_'Dark.'_

_'No.'_

_'Driver. Detritus. Dirt.' She sighed again. 'Come on, then. Give me a clue.'_

_He smiled. 'Use your ears.'_

_'My ears?' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Elliot, the game's called I-Spy, not I-Hear-'_

_'No.' Elliot leaned forward and held his finger to her lips, his stomach doing an odd flip as he felt her breath against his fingertip. 'Listen, Olivia. What can you hear?'_

_'Hmmm...' She frowned, pursing her lips thoughtfully. 'Traffic... sirens... construction... voices... running water- DRAIN!' She pointed excitedly at the storm drain three metres in front of the car. 'Drain?'_

_Elliot smiled. 'Yes. Drain.' He settled back in his seat and took a swig of his coffee. 'Your turn.'_

_'I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...' Olivia grinned, 'D.'_

_'Liv, if I can't play dumpster then neither can you!'_

_Olivia smirked. 'It's not dumpster.'_

_'Damn you...' Elliot shook his head. 'Uhhhh... dashboard.' _

_'No.'_

_'Display.'_

_She raised an eyebrow. 'Really, El? 'Display'?'_

_He gestured at the dashboard instruments. 'On the car!'_

_'Oh. No.'_

_'Door.'_

_'No.'_

_'Dumpster.'_

_'Elliot, it's not dumpster.'_

_'OK.' He sighed and looked at her. 'Give me a clue.'_

_'Come ON, El. you're looking right at it!' Olivia was smiling, pointing at herself. 'What am I?'_

_Incredible. Wonderful. Perfect. He smiled. 'You're Olivia.'_

_She snorted with laughter. 'Yes, El, but what else am I?'_

_The most beautiful woman I have ever seen. 'You're... you're...' Oh, riiiight... He grinned. 'You're a detective.'_

_'Damn straight I am.' She winked, reached across him and took his coffee cup, draining it in a single gulp. 'OK, El. Your turn.'_

_'OK...' He smiIed. 'I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with... A.'_

_'A?'_

_'A.'_

_'OK...' She frowned thoughtfully and looked around. 'A... A... apartment?'_

_'No.'_

_'ATM.'_

_'No.'_

_'Aerial. Ankle. Automobile.' She pursed her lips. 'Ummmm... atoms?'_

_Atoms? Elliot stifled a laugh. 'You need a hint, Liv?'_

_'Fine.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Just as long as you're not about to tell me to use my ears again.'_

_'No.' He glanced upward. 'Look up.'_

_Olivia frowned. '...Air?'_

_'Almost...'_

_'Air... plane?'_

_'No.'_

_'Air... shaft? Liner? Way? No?' She sighed. 'OK, I give up.'_

_'You give up?'_

_'Yes. El. I give up.'_

_'I win?'_

_'Yes.' Olivia rolled her eyes again. 'You win.'_

_Elliot grinned smugly. 'Air conditioner.'_

_Her jaw dropped. 'You cheating bastard, that's two words!'_

_'It's one.'_

_'It's two!'_

_'It's hyphenated.'_

_'It's not!'_

_'It is!'_

_'It isn't!'_

_'It is!'_

_'It isn't!'_

_'It is!'_

_Olivia sighed. 'Agree to disagree?'_

_Elliot smirked. That means I win. 'Sounds good to me.' _

_'I thought it might.' Olivia laughed. 'You know, when I was little I was scared of getting hit on the head by one of those air conditioners.'_

_'Really?' Elliot smiled. She's so adorable... 'You were?'_

_She nodded. 'Yes. You know, in case one of them fell off a building?' She smiled to herself. 'I used to walk everywhere with my neck craned back, just in case...' _

_Elliot shrugged. 'Well, it worked. You never got hit by one.'_

_'Yes, but...' She sighed. 'But I also fell off the sidewalk and broke my wrist when I was eight.'_

_Elliot laughed. 'But you still never got decapitated by a falling air conditioner, right?'_

_She smiled. 'Right.' _

_Elliot smiled back. 'I'm glad.'_

_They sat in silence for a few minutes, smiling at each other in the semi-darkness, and then Olivia sighed. 'How much longer are we here, El?'_

_He looked at his watch. 'An hour.'_

_'Oh Jesus...' Olivia bit her lip, glancing around the street. 'El, if I go and pee in the alleyway will you promise not to look?'_

_Elliot burst out laughing. 'You're not serious?'_

_'Mmmm...' Olivia was shifting uncomfortably in her seat. 'All I can think of is how much I need to pee, it's that goddamn drain...'_

_Elliot rolled his eyes. 'Liv, it's only an hour until-'_

_'Nope. Can't wait.' Olivia reached forward and grabbed her hooded sweatshirt from the passenger footwell._

_What? Elliot felt his jaw drop. She's joking, right? 'Come on, Liv, you're not really going to do this-'_

_Olivia tugged her sweatshirt over her head and popped the door lock. 'Try me.' _

_Um. Elliot blinked. This should not be as arousing as it is. 'Liv-'_

_Olivia ignored him and climbed out of the car, and then he heard her gasp. 'Jesus, it's cold out here...'_

_Elliot stifled a laugh. 'That's because it's November.'_

_'Shut up.' She shivered and glanced at her watch, taking one last look around. 'Wait here, you bastard, and don't you DARE look at my bare ass.'_

_Elliot grinned. 'No fear.'_

_'No fear? Please.' She raised her eyebrow at him. 'I'll have you know I have a fine, FINE ass.'_

_Oh God... Elliot swallowed and crossed his legs. That's one of the sexiest things I've ever heard... _

_'Just stay there, OK?' She started to pick her way through the piles of trash overflowing from the dumpster, wrinkling her nose. 'No creeping!'_

_'OK, no creeping.' Elliot laughed. 'Watch out for the giant rat!'_

_'Fuck you!'_

_Elliot smiled to himself as he watched her disappear around the corner._

_She's easily the best partner I've ever had..._

_That's not all you think she is though, is it, Elliot?_

_Elliot squirmed a little. Well, no..._

_She's so beautiful, so perfect, so utterly wonderful, and I..._

_And you're so married._

_Elliot felt a twinge of guilt. I know, I know, but... but..._

_But she's all I can think about._

_She's the most beautiful person I've ever known... _

_Everything about her is just so... so..._

_'Fuck me, the size of that rat...' Olivia climbed back into the car, barely suppressing a shudder, and Elliot quickly pushed any thoughts of her away and sat up. 'I swear, that thing watched me the whole time I was back there...'_

_Elliot forced a smile. 'Feel better now?' Don't worry. There's no way she could possibly know what you were thinking._

_'Much.' Olivia grinned. 'You want some more coffee, El?'_

_He laughed. 'You really never learn, do you?' _

_'Nope.' She looked around the car. 'Where'd you put the thermoses, El?'_

_Elliot glanced over his shoulder. 'They're in the back seat, let me get them-'_

_'No, I got it-'_

_They both leaned back at the same time and then suddenly their faces were so close together that Elliot's breath caught in his throat._

_They both stopped, almost afraid to move._

_He felt the last of the night chill coming off her skin as she breathed softly against his cheek, strands of her hair tickling his neck and her fingertips brushing against his knee, and he realised with a jolt just how much he wanted to kiss her._

_Don't do it, Elliot._

_He could see the scar on her hairline where she had fallen off her bike when she was six, showing off in front of the boys, and the tiny lines in her forehead from the way she always frowned when she was thinking, and then she blinked and her long dark eyelashes fluttered a little as they barely brushed the smooth skin of her cheek, and all he wanted was to touch her, to stroke her face and feel her bare skin beneath his fingers as-_

_Don't do it, Elliot._

_Think of your wife._

_Think of your children._

_He saw her bite her lip and for a second he could almost feel her lips on his, feel how soft and how perfect they were, taste her peppermint lip salve and feel the moist, smooth softness of her inner lip brush over his, feel her breathing into his mouth as he ran his hands over her back, pulling her in close and pressing his body against hers, feeling her heart beating against his chest, and... oh God..._

_Don't do it, Elliot._

_He could already taste her lips on his, feel her tongue deep inside his mouth, he had to kiss her, he would die if he didn't, all he could think about was how much he wanted her, NEEDED HER-_

_She suddenly pulled away and sat back into her seat, staring through the windshield. 'I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...'_

_Elliot blinked. What just happened?_

_The only thing that can happen. Nothing._

_He sighed, chewing his lip. I know... _

_The entire moment had lasted less than three seconds._

_**A/N: What did you think? Please send me a review and let me know!** _


	6. Chapter 5

_**A/N: I have a new chapter for you! And this one is all flashback so there's a lot of Olivia in it... which should make a lot of you very happy. Well, that, and... other things :) Thanks for all your wonderful reviews last time, and please send me a review and let me know what you think of this chapter!**_

_**Aly Bensler Cullen, I liked that part too :) One of the things I really like about E/O is that they're so close and comfortable with each other that they can bicker like that without having to worry about the other taking it too personally... it's the sign of a really great relationship if you ask me! Also, I think you'll like this chapter... **_

_**SoLetsPlayDoctorBabe, I know. If I had Elliot phoning me day and night, I would be over there in a flash. Then again, he has put her through a hell of a lot of heartache over the years, and she was pretty pissed at him when she was shot... **_

_**Ren Victoria, I'm happy you liked it. I know I have kind of a weird sense of humour so it's always good to find that other people 'get' it. **_

_**gemfinder360, once you're able to read this chapter, you'll be even happier. **_

_**Cfhonan, I'm glad you liked it! **_

_**Hailey, once again, you have put up with me bitching and whining about this chapter. I hope you like it, because you have definitely earned it... **_

_**lou3174, I'm really happy you enjoyed it so much, and hopefully you'll like this chapter even more. As far as the fight/heart-to-heart goes... it was more that their fight was interrupted by her being shot rather than their reconciling, and even if it made her realise how much she needed and cared for him... sometimes that's not enough. And as for her picking up, I guess you'll just have to wait and see... but in the meantime I hope this flashback chapter will make the wait that little more bearable! **_

_**W. S. C. Magica De Spell - thanks! **_

_**Huge note over, I hope you like the chapter, and please send me a review to let me know! **_

_**(Also, if you're reading Nollaig Shona Daoibh, I'm planning to update that very soon - it's my birthday on the 26th, so maybe I'll celebrate that with a little E/O wedding for you guys...) **_

_January 1999_

_Elliot frowned and opened his eyes. _

_What time is it?_

_He squinted through the darkness at the clock on the far wall of the on-call room. _

_04:23am..._

_He swore to himself. Why the hell am I awake? I still have three hours before I have to-_

_Wait._

_He suddenly realised that he could hear someone breathing unevenly in the cot beside his, their breath hitching and catching in their throat. _

_He frowned again. Who is that?_

_'Hello?' He cleared his throat. 'Hello? Are you OK?'_

_He heard a sniff. 'Sorry, El, I didn't see you there.'_

_Elliot blinked. Is that- 'Liv?' He rubbed his eyes, waiting impatiently for them to adjust properly to the dark. 'How long have you been in here?'_

_Olivia sighed and flipped open her phone, and Elliot felt his breath catch as the screen briefly illuminated her mascara-streaked face. 'Four hours and thirty-nine minutes.' She laughed bitterly and snapped it shut again, tossing it back into her bag. 'Time flies when you're having fun, huh?'_

_'Liv, what's wr-' Elliot stopped, biting his lip. _

_Crying or not, if she wants to talk about it, she'll tell you herself. _

_But I want to know that she's OK..._

_Tough. This isn't about you._

_'Uhh...' He swallowed, trying to sound casual. 'I mean, are you, uh, on duty tonight, Liv?' _

_Smooth, asshole._

_'No.' She sniffed. 'No, I... I just couldn't face being alone in my apartment...'_

_Elliot hesitated. No. I have to ask. 'Why?'_

_Suddenly he heard her start to cry. 'What's wrong with me, El?'_

_'Liv-' He started to sit up and she immediately yanked the covers over her head and rolled onto her side to face the wall. 'Oh, Liv, come on-'_

_'No.' She sniffed again, her voice muffled beneath the blankets. 'Don't look at me, Elliot.'_

_'But-' He paused, wavering uncertainly._

_What do I do?_

_You humour her._

_He sighed and reluctantly lay back down on the lumpy mattress, forcing himself to look at the cracks in the plaster of the ceiling rather than at her. 'What's wrong, Liv?' Please tell me, please, I just want to help..._

_He heard a creak as she rolled over onto her back again and he turned his head slightly, feeling a twinge of pity as he saw her staring blankly up at the ceiling and fidgeting with the edges of the covers. Let me help, please, please let me help... 'Liv?'_

_She shook her head. 'Nothing.'_

_Typical. He rolled his eyes. 'Liv, come on. Talk to me.'_

_There was a brief silence, and then he heard her clear her throat. 'I love my mother, El.'_

_Elliot blinked. What? 'I know you do.' Did I miss something?_

_'But... but...' He heard her voice falter. 'But I don't think that she loves me...'_

_Oh, Liv... 'Why not?'_

_He heard her sigh. 'I don't want to talk about it.'_

_'Oh.' Elliot felt a pang of hurt. 'OK, Liv.'_

_'No...' She choked back a sob. 'Please don't be that way, El, I couldn't bear it if you hated me too...'_

_Elliot sighed. How could she ever think that? 'Olivia... I could never hate you.' I love you more than anything. I will always love you._

_He saw her bite her lip. 'Do you promise?'_

_'Yes.' He smiled. 'I promise.'_

_She smiled a little, shooting him a quick sideways glance. 'I love that I can trust you, El.'_

_He smiled again. I love you too. 'Then tell me, Olivia.' He reached across the gap between the beds and took her hand. 'Tell me what's wrong.'_

_'Oh, El...' Olivia sighed. 'Do I have to?'_

_Elliot laughed and squeezed her hand. 'Yes, Liv, you do.'_

_Olivia sighed again and cleared her throat, still staring up at the ceiling. 'She was walking near Columbia late at night.'_

_What? Elliot frowned. 'Who was?'_

_'My mother.' Olivia's voice had become very flat and calm._

_'Your mother?'_

_Olivia nodded silently. 'A man grabbed her and attacked her.'_

_'What?' Elliot's jaw dropped. 'Oh my God, is she OK?'_

_Olivia didn't seem to hear him. 'He raped her.'_

_'WHAT?' Elliot felt his stomach lurch. 'Jesus Christ, Olivia, when did this happen? Was it today?'_

_She shook her head. 'It'll be 32 years ago this April.'_

_Elliot frowned. Then why- 'Liv-'_

_'It's my 31st birthday next week, El.'_

_'What does-' Elliot's blood ran cold. Oh my God. 'Liv, I-'_

_'Yeah.' Olivia smiled bitterly, tears streaming down her face. 'I ruined my mother's life. She was brilliant. She could have done anything.'_

_'I...' Elliot was still trying to get his head around what she was telling him. 'Olivia-'_

_'I held her back, El. Every time she was drunk she would tell me so. She told me over and over what I had done to her, what he had done to her, how I was... how I was a souvenir of the worst night of her life, and I...' He heard her start to sob loudly. 'And I never knew what to do to make it better...'_

_Elliot bit his lip. Jesus... 'Olivia, I'm sure she didn't mean it-'_

_'No.' Olivia cut him off abruptly. 'She did.'_

_'Liv-'_

_'Alcohol doesn't make you say things you don't believe, Elliot. It just lowers your inhibitions. I know that she meant it.'_

_Elliot hesitated, trying desperately to think of something, anything to say to her that wouldn't sound trite or flippant. 'Olivia, whatever she said, I'm sure that she loves you. I love my kids more than anything in the world, and even if I found out they weren't mine at all, I would still love them.'_

_He heard her sigh heavily. 'Yes, El, but that's because you're perfect.'_

_'What?' He burst out laughing and squeezed her hand. 'Believe me, Olivia, I'm not.' For one thing, I'm a married man who's in love with someone who isn't his wife..._

_'If they get into trouble, do you still love them?'_

_'Of course I do.'_

_'Do you tell them so?'_

_He smiled. 'Every day.'_

_'Well, every time I got into trouble, if I talked back or told a lie or got into a fight at school, she would tell me that she could tell I was going to be just like my father.'_

_Elliot felt a sudden flash of hatred towards Olivia's mother. 'Olivia, she shouldn't have done that.'_

_'Mmm.' She fell silent for a minute, and then he felt the mattress of his cot depress as she slid under the covers next to him and laid her head on his shoulder. _

_Elliot's eyes widened. What the- 'Liv, what are you doing?'_

_'I-' She hesitated for a second, biting her lip. 'I'm sorry, El, is this too weird?'_

_A little. 'No, Liv, it's fine.' He smiled and put his arms around her, taking her hand in his as she draped her arm across his chest and snuggled in closer to him. 'And I do understand, really I do.'_

_She smiled at him. 'You do?'_

_'Yes.' You should meet my parents... He hugged her tighter and started to stroke her hair. 'I do.'_

_'El, I just...' He heard her sniff. 'I tried to make her happy. I studied English literature at college. I even went to a Catholic college. I mean, I know it wasn't Columbia because I was never as brilliant as she was and they rejected me, but I deliberately chose a Catholic one to show that... well, I don't know.' She paused, chewing thoughtfully on her lower lip. 'To show that I understood her choice to keep me, that I shared her beliefs, that I would have done the same thing?' She sighed. 'It wasn't enough though. You should have seen the look on her face when I got the rejection letter from Columbia. She knew, she knew the second she got the envelope from the mailbox, it was so light and thin that...' She started to cry harder. 'And it was just one more disappointment, she'd given birth to me and kept me and raised me and it still wasn't enough, I'd still never be like her, and I wanted to, El, I really did, I swear!'_

_He leaned down and kissed the top of her head. 'Olivia, you're a wonderful person. Columbia or not, I'm sure she's proud of who you've grown into.'_

_She didn't seem to have heard him. 'I don't look like her at all, Elliot. Do you know what that means?'_

_Elliot hesitated. 'Liv, I'm sure-'_

_'I said, do you know what that means?'_

_He sighed. 'Yes. Yes, Liv, I do.'_

_'It means that I look like him, El. Every day she looked at me, she saw him. Can you imagine how she must have felt, realising as I grew that every day I was looking more and more like the man who raped her?'_

_'Olivia, I-' _

_'And by then it was too late to get rid of me, because she never told anyone how I was conceived and they'd ask questions, so instead she gritted her teeth and raised me anyway, hating me the entire time, and... and...'_

_He sighed and hugged her tighter. 'Oh, Liv...'_

_He heard her start to sob hysterically, gasping for breath. 'I just wanted her to love me...'_

_'Olivia, she's your mother. Whatever she says, I'm sure she loves you.'_

_'No, she doesn't, she doesn't, she told me so, she asked me how work was going and I told her about you, and she said... she said...' She laughed bitterly. 'She said that she knew what I was like and that even once I'd fucked you you'd still never love me!'_

_Elliot blinked. Jesus. 'Liv...'_

_'You fucked my students and then you fucked your professors, you little whore, do you want to get knocked up, because you will, and if you think I'm going to look after your little bastard while you play the busy working woman then you're dead wrong!'_

_'Liv, you're not-'_

_'I had to stay home and listen to you whine and cry and demand stupid, selfish things while my classmates who were less talented than I was went on to go and do everything I had wanted, everything I deserved, while I was stuck here in New York because every time I wanted to move or try something new you cried and begged me not to!' She looked accusingly at him. 'Does that sound like a mother who loves her child, El?'_

_'Olivia... the fact that she didn't just ignore you and go anyway shows that she loved you.'_

_'Mmm...' She bit her lip. 'Maybe.' He felt her start to stroke the palm of his hand with her thumb. 'But then why does she have to make me feel so guilty, El?'_

_He sighed. I wish I knew. 'Liv-'_

_'She wanted to teach at the Sorbonne, El. She wanted to see Europe, to see the world, to study at Oxford and change the world and be one of the first top female academics, and instead she was stuck at home with a snotty toddler who cried every time she dared bring a date home.'_

_'Olivia, whatever she says, she's your mother. She raised you, she cared for you, she made you the wonderful person you are, and whatever she says, she loves you.'_

_She looked up at him, tears still streaming down her face, 'How do you know?'_

_He smiled and kissed the top of her head. 'I just do.'_

_She smiled and snuggled in closer to him, stroking his hand with her thumb. 'Thank you, El.'_

_'That's OK, Liv.' He kissed the top of her head again. 'Thank you for trusting me enough to tell me.'_

_They lay there for a few minutes, Elliot stroking her hair and murmuring soothingly to her, and then she frowned. 'Wait... El, why are you here tonight?'_

_'Uhh...' Elliot shifted uncomfortably. _

_What the hell do I say?_

_The truth, Elliot. You owe her that._

_He licked his lips awkwardly. 'Well, things are a little... rough at home right now.'_

_She looked up at his face in shock, her hand over her mouth. 'Oh, God, El, I'm so sorry, I've been going on and on about me and I didn't even ask-'_

_He laughed. 'Liv, it's OK. It's nothing new.'_

_She raised her eyebrows at him. 'It isn't?'_

_He started to shake his head. 'No, I-' _

_Wait. _

_Elliot blinked._

_Was that a hint of hope in her voice?_

_Elliot, even if it was, it doesn't matter._

_I know. He sighed. I know it doesn't. _

_He swallowed awkwardly. 'No, Liv, it isn't.' My wife hates me and I'm in love with you. 'Things are... difficult.'_

_'Oh.' Olivia squeezed his hand. 'I'm sorry, El...' She trailed off, and then suddenly she laughed. 'Look at us, a couple of miserable sods sleeping at the office rather than going home to our own perfectly good warm beds...'_

_Elliot smiled and hugged her tighter. 'I won't tell if you won't.'_

_'Deal.' She smiled and then she paused, biting her lip. 'El, if I... if I do something now do you promise never to talk about it again?'_

_Elliot didn't even have to think about it. 'Of course, Liv.'_

_She hesitated, and then he felt her fingertips brush down his cheek to his jaw and she was turning his face towards hers, leaning in and pressing her lips gently against his._

_What the- Elliot froze for a second as he felt her lips brushing against his and her fingers stroking the side of his face._

_Oh my God._

_Oh my GOD._

_He wrapped his arms around her back and pulled her in close, smiling as she murmured something against his mouth, and then she was kissing him harder, her tongue darting across the inside of his mouth as she pressed her body against his._

_Elliot, what the fuck do you think you're doing?_

_'Liv...' He started to run his hands over her back, wrinkling the soft jersey of her shirt as it snagged beneath his fingers._

_Elliot, you know that this isn't right._

_He hugged her tighter, feeling the softness of her lips against his mouth as she kissed him, breathing in the smell of her skin and savouring the taste of her mouth on his._

_Why? Why isn't this right?_

_'Oh, Liv...' He kept kissing her, stroking the side of her face and twisting strands of her hair around his fingers. 'Liv...'_

_'Oh, El...' Olivia sighed and finally pulled away, breathing heavily as she looked into his eyes and stroked the side of his face. 'Elliot...'_

_'Liv, I...' Elliot just shook his head. 'Just... Jesus, Liv...'_

_Olivia bit her lip. 'I know, I know, I'm so sorry, El, I know you're married but I've been wanting to do that ever since I first saw you six years ago, and I just had to, I couldn't...' _

_Elliot tried and failed to hide his disbelief. 'You... you have?' You remembered me?_

_'Yeah.' She sighed and ran her hand through her hair, and then she blushed, still chewing awkwardly on her lip. 'God, I feel really stupid now...'_

_'No.' He smiled and stroked the side of her face. 'Don't.'_

_She smiled back and laid her head on his chest again, closing her eyes as he started to stroke her hair. 'Thank you, El.' He felt her take his hand in hers and snuggle up closer to him, sighing as he put his arm around her and hugged her tightly. 'Thank you.'_

_**A/N: So... what did you think? Did you like it? Please send me a review and let me know!** _


	7. Chapter 6

**_A/N: So, it's the weekend, and that means it's time for another chapter of Grievance! (This week. Next week it'll probably be Heritage, I've been neglecting that for way too long.) I'm glad you all liked the last chapter, especially ahem the last part, and I think you'll like this one just as much... once again I've decided to be self-indulgent and work in one of my other ships from original L&O (if you're interested, the episode referenced is Season 6, Episode 23 'Aftershock') but in my defence I had been watching it the other day (crying like a child, of course) and it occurred to me that Olivia would have got on really well with Claire Kincaid... I think they would have kicked epic ass together. _**

**_Anyway... hopefully you won't find that too annoying, I hope you like the chapter, and please send me a review and let me know what you think! _**

**_Hailey, I suddenly had a bizarre mental image of you bellowing the words to Whitney Houston while sculpting snow. I think this is something that must be done. _**

**_lou3174, I'm glad you liked it, and I think you may like this chapter just as much... _**

**_Aly Bensler Cullen, thanks! I'm really happy you liked it so much, and I hope you enjoy this one too! _**

**_Ren Victoria, me too :) _**

**_YourTimeIsNow, I'm so happy you enjoyed it so much, and I hope you think this one is just as good. _**

**_zebraboymum, believe me, so would I. Good Lord, so would I... _**

**_HarleyBenson, I shall certainly try... _**

**_gemfinder360, I'm really glad the chapter made you happy even though you'd been banned from the computer... so thanks! _**

**_The Writing Princess, thank you so much :) I don't think you've reviewed me before (do correct me if I'm wrong) so I'm really happy you like my writing, and I hope you like this chapter too. _**

**_SVUandBonesAddict, I'm glad you like the internal thoughts thing (it's kind of a hallmark of my writing... people rarely say every single thing that they think, so it's a great way of getting into a character's head.) And I'm also glad you found it funny - I have kind of a weird sense of humour so it's always a nice thing when others 'get' it... _**

**_Anyway, thank you all so, so much for your reviews, I really appreciate them, and I hope you enjoy this chapter just as much as the last one... so, give it a read, and please send me a review to let me know what you think!_**

* * *

><p><strong>'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'<strong>

_**BEEP.**_

'Liv? Liv, it's me...' Elliot started to fidget with the phone cord. 'I was just thinking about that night... you know, in the on-call room, when you first told me about your mother? We talked for hours, and then...' He smiled. 'And then you kissed me. Remember?'

_Of course she remembers. _

_She has to remember..._

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. 'That night, it was... I'll never forget it, Liv, never, not just because it was the first time we kissed but because it was the first time we'd ever really talked, you know, I mean yes we'd talked, but we hadn't TALKED...'

_Elliot, shut up. You sound like a rambling idiot._

He sighed. 'Liv... you trusted me. I know you trusted me, because you shared so much with me, not just that night, but every day, and...' He trailed off, biting his lip. 'Liv... I was thinking about the night you told me about what happened to Claire. Do you remember that? I sat, I listened, I held you as you cried, and... and then we-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'Shit...' Elliot rolled his eyes and hit redial. _Damn mood-killing voicemail..._

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

_**BEEP.**_

_February 2001_

_You need to get presents for the little shit whose birthday party the twins are going to on Saturday, and don't forget to gas up the car on the way home... Elliot walked down the hallway, glancing quickly at his watch. Oh God, and you have to go and buy some flowers for when your mother-in-law visits tomorrow evening... He barely suppressed a shudder. He still hadn't forgotten the night when he and Kathy were 16 and her mother had caught them together and chased him half-naked for ten blocks waving a broom. He shook his head. I swear to God, that woman must have been a marathon runner in a past life- _

_He walked into the squadroom and stopped, his stomach doing an odd flip as he saw Olivia sitting on the edge of her desk, hunched over and chewing her lip. 'Liv? You all right?' _

_Olivia nodded, crossing her arms tightly around her middle and staring at the floor. 'Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.'_

_Elliot sighed to himself. Typical. 'Come on, Liv. Talk to me.'_

_'But...' Olivia bit her lip. 'It's going to sound really stupid...'_

_'I'm sure it won't.' He sat down beside her on the edge of her desk. 'It's about what happened on the case today, isn't it?' _

_'I just...' Olivia shook her head. 'I just would never have expected something like that to have happened to her, El... I mean, she's always been such a strong person, and...' She sighed. 'And even though I know that it can happen to anyone, even though I know that it has nothing to do with how strong or brave or streetwise you are, I guess I never thought I'd run into someone I knew so well this way.' She looked up at him, biting her lip. 'Does that make any sense, El?'_

_'Yes. Yes, Liv, it does.' Elliot put his arm around her. 'Liv... however objective you try to be, you will never get used to the idea of someone you know being affected by something like this. That's just the way it is, but it's a good thing, Liv, however bad you feel right now.' He smiled at her and hugged her tighter. 'And it will get easier, Liv. I promise.'_

_'Mmm...' She looked down at her knees, picking at a loose thread. 'It's just not the first time I've had to deal with something like this, El...'_

_Elliot tried and failed to hide his surprise. 'What, someone else you knew came to you after they were raped?' Jesus, talk about bad luck..._

_'No.' Olivia shook her head. 'Something else.' Her voice cracked. 'It was awful.'_

_'Oh, Liv...' Elliot started to stroke her shoulder soothingly. 'Do you want to talk about it?' _

_'I...' Olivia hesitated for a few seconds, chewing her lip. 'Years ago, when I was still in uniform, I was friends with an ADA I met in the courthouse while she was prosecuting a rape case. I mean, we were never best buddies, we never did the whole girly bonding movies and popcorn thing, but we were still good friends, we talked, and we went out for drinks, talked about man problems and the job and difficult cases...' She trailed off and wiped her eyes, staring at her knees. 'And... and...'_

_'Sssshhh, Liv, it's OK...' Elliot tightened his arm around her shoulders, waiting for her to catch her breath. 'It's OK, Liv, I'm here.'_

_'Mmm...' Olivia swallowed awkwardly, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. 'One day about five years ago she called me in the middle of the day, which was weird because she never did that, and she said she'd had an awful day and didn't know what to do, she was... she was doubting herself, thinking she should leave the DA's office because she was so ashamed of what she'd done, and I remember thinking that that wasn't like her, El...' She sighed. 'I mean, she was always shy, and she'd never been exactly confident in herself, but I'd never heard her like this, and I kept asking her, Claire, what did you do, tell me what happened, but she wouldn't tell me, and... and I tried pressing her and she just cut me off and said she was going for a run, and then she hung up.' Tears began to stream down her face. 'It was the last time I ever spoke to her.'_

_Elliot's heart sank. Shit. He took her hand, starting to stroke her palm with his thumb. 'What happened, Liv?'_

_'I couldn't help her, El...' Olivia shook her head blankly. 'I tried but I couldn't help her...'_

_Elliot took a deep breath. 'Liv-' _

_He hesitated. _

_Maybe I should just leave her alone..._

_No. This time you have to ask. She needs you. _

_He cleared his throat. 'Liv... tell me what happened.'_

_'I left a message on her machine. I would have kept calling but I had to go on shift and I didn't want to be late.' Olivia bit her lip, staring at the floor. 'I told her I'd call her later and then I hung up and went to work, got assigned to patrol, got into the car and off we went.' She laughed bitterly. 'We were just chatting away casually, talking about our weekend plans and what we'd been up to, and I actually forgot about Claire.' She shook her head, clearing her throat awkwardly. 'I forgot about her and her problems, El, because I was too busy thinking about myself and about a date I had with some sleazeball I met at the store.'_

_Elliot sighed. 'Liv, you can't possibly blame yourself for that-'_

_'Shut up, Elliot.' Olivia's voice was cold and flat. 'Don't you dare tell me what I can and can't do.'_

_'Oh.' Elliot felt a pang of hurt. 'I'm sorry, Liv.' _

_There was an awkward silence._

_Ask her, Elliot._

_But what if she doesn't want to tell me?_

_Then she'll just tell you to fuck off. You have to ask._

_Elliot took a deep breath. 'Did she... did she kill herself?'_

_Olivia's eyebrows shot up in surprise. 'God, no.' She snorted derisively. 'She would never have done that, she wasn't done changing the world yet, she was in love with the man she'd been with for over two years... however upset she was, El, she would never have killed herself.' She choked back a sob. 'She still had so much she wanted to do, it wasn't fair, El, it wasn't...' She started to cry. 'It wasn't...'_

_Elliot silently cursed himself. Nice one, idiot. You made it worse. 'So... so what happened?'_

_'She... she...' Olivia trailed off, and Elliot felt her hand tightening uncomfortably around his, her fingernails digging into his palm. 'We were... still patrolling, you know, business as usual, and we had a routine call from dispatch saying they'd had a report of an RTA and could we go check it out, so we flipped on the sirens and headed straight there, you know, like we're meant to.'_

_Elliot nodded, still stroking her hand._

_'But then when we got there, there was nothing there, and we started cursing and saying what a waste of time, we should have just gone to a diner for coffee and pretended we'd been to check it out if anyone asked...' Her breath caught in her throat. 'And then we looked up the street and saw it three blocks away. They'd given us the wrong location. We wasted five minutes bitching about how much of our time we'd spent driving all the way to SoHo and making stupid jokes, while all this was happening three blocks away.'_

_'It happens, Liv. It's not your fault if dispatch made a mistake-'_

_'SHUT UP, ELLIOT!' Olivia quickly wiped her eyes, breathing heavily. 'We got there and a big pickup had hit this tiny little car side on and sent it spinning across the intersection, and the drunk asshole who'd been driving the pickup was staggering around with a bloody nose yelling that it wasn't his fault, that he was going to sue the stupid bitch who'd been crossing the intersection when he blasted through it without looking, and there was a detective I vaguely recognised hunched on the floor crying, and while my partner tried to restrain the drunk I...' She burst into tears. 'I went to the car to check it over, see if anyone was still inside, and... and...'_

_Elliot's heart sank. Oh Jesus. 'Liv-'_

_'Her side of the car was crushed, El, the windshield was bent and cracked and her window was completely shattered, and she was just slumped over in her seat with her eyes closed and I knew that she was dead, she was so still and there was so much blood, but I still tried to save her, El, I did, I climbed into the car with her but it wasn't enough...' Olivia trailed off and started to sob. 'It wasn't enough, El, whatever I tried wasn't enough...'_

_Oh, Liv... Elliot sighed. 'Olivia, come on, it's OK-'_

_'And... and...' Olivia was shaking her head, tears pouring down her face as her breath hitched and caught in her throat. 'And I called it in, and then EMS got there, and then less than five minutes later another car pulled up and another prosecutor I knew from court jumped out and started running towards her car, and I grabbed him and he just kept screaming her name, over and over, and I suddenly realised that HE was the boyfriend, and that the reason she'd always refused to tell me was... was because she didn't want it to get out that she was with him, she was afraid people would think she'd slept her way to the top because she was so successful, but she hadn't, she was so talented, El...' Olivia broke down into heavy sobs, and then she threw her arms around him and buried her face in the side of his neck. 'And I couldn't do anything, I tried, I swear I tried...'_

_'Sssshhh, Liv, come on, I know you did...' Elliot hugged her tighter, stroking her hair soothingly. 'Come on, Liv, it's OK, come on...'_

_Olivia started to cry harder. 'And he never told anyone about them, that he'd been with her for over two years and that he was lost without her, because he knew she wouldn't want him to, so he just hid how devastated he was because she wouldn't have wanted everyone to know that they'd been together, and...' She broke off and looked up at his face. 'Can you imagine being that devoted to someone, El? To love someone more than anything and never talk about it, however much you need to, however grief-stricken you are by losing them, because you loved them so much?'_

_Yes. Elliot sighed and stroked the side of her face. 'Yes, Olivia, I can.' I've felt that way since the moment I met you. 'Of course I can.'_

_'Oh, right.' Olivia laughed awkwardly and wiped her eyes. 'God, I'm so stupid, of course you do, your wife-'_

_'No.' Elliot cut her off. 'Not her.'_

_A look of surprise crossed Olivia's face. 'Then-'_

_Elliot smiled sadly. 'I can't tell you, Olivia. You know that.'_

_'I-' Olivia bit her lip and nodded. 'Yes, El. I do, but...' She hesitated. 'Thinking about what happened to Claire, El, it made me think about... about everything, about life and about what I want, what I need, and...' She sighed. 'El... about the thing I made you promise never to talk about again...'_

_Elliot felt his jaw drop. You mean the thing I haven't stopped thinking about for the past two years? 'Uh... what thing?' Good idea, Elliot, act casual. 'I don't remember any, uh, thing...' Wow. Smooth, moron._

_Olivia stared at her knees, her cheeks flushing bright pink. 'The... well, the thing that happened in the on-call room... in, you know, the bed...' She looked at him shyly. 'Do you remember now?'_

_Yes, and I've spent over two years obsessing over it and kicking myself for not kissing you first. 'Oh, uh, yes, of course. That thing.' Elliot cleared his throat awkwardly. 'What about it, Liv?'_

_Olivia chewed her lip nervously. 'I... well, I changed my mind...'_

_Elliot's eyes widened. Oh my God... 'Liv, I-' He stopped suddenly. 'Liv... uh...'_

_She looked at him, her hand tightening around his. 'What, El?'_

_'I... Well, Liv, I...' Elliot sighed. Screw it. He took a deep breath, pulled her into his arms and kissed her._

_Elliot, what the fuck are you doing?_

_What I should have done years ago._

_Now she was wrapping her arms tightly around his back and pressing her body firmly against his, and he could hear her breathing softly and feel her smiling as he kissed her, her tongue darting tentatively in and out of his mouth._

_Elliot, this is such a terrible idea._

_Shut up. Shut up, I don't care._

_He kept kissing her, stroking her hair as he held her tightly against his chest. 'Oh, Liv...' He kissed her harder, breathing in the scent of her skin and savouring the taste of her mouth and the warm softness of her lips on his. 'Olivia...'_

_Elliot, stop it._

_No._

_'Olivia...' He hugged her tighter, feeling her pressing her breasts against his chest as she ran her hands over his back, pushing her tongue deeper and deeper into his mouth and murmuring his name under her breath. 'Oh, Olivia...'_

_You're taking advantage, Elliot._

_No. No, I'm not. I love her._

_'Oh, Liv, Liv...' Elliot slid his hand up under her top, cupping her right breast and brushing his thumb along the lace edge of her bra, hearing her breath catch in her throat as he started to kiss the side of her neck. 'Oh God, Olivia...'_

_You'd better not be thinking about fucking her, Elliot._

_Shut up, of course I'm not._

_He felt her kiss the side of his face, whispering his name into his ear, and then her lips were on his again and she was moaning quietly into his mouth, her arms tightening uncomfortably around his back and her teeth catching on his lower lip as she smiled._

_Elliot, that's enough. _

_He sighed and reluctantly pulled away a little, slipping his hand out from under her top and stroking the side of her face. 'Look, Liv, I-'_

_'El, I... I...' Olivia was looking up at his face, chewing her lip nervously. 'I'm so sorry, El, but... but... but I...' She trailed off, fidgeting with the hem of his collar. 'I think I might be in love with you, El.'_

_Elliot's heart sank. _

_Shit._

_I knew this would happen. _

_God, Elliot, you're such an asshole. _

_You don't think I know that?_

_'Olivia, I...' Elliot sighed, let go of her and pulled away, rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably. _

_I love you too._

_I will always love you._

_'Olivia, I...'_

_For fuck's sake, Elliot, get a grip._

_Control yourself._

_'Olivia, I love you, I do, but...' Oh God, how do I put this? 'But that doesn't change the fact that I have a wife. I have children. I can't do that to them, and...' He smiled sadly and stroked the side of her face. 'And I can't do that to you, Liv. You deserve more than that, and I... and I love you too much to let you settle for what I can give you.'_

_She bit her lip, leaned in and kissed him again. 'I know.' She wrapped her arms around his back and buried her face in the side of his neck, turning her head to kiss his shoulder. 'And that just makes me love you even more.'_

_**A/N: So... what did you think? Please send me a review and let me know** _


	8. Chapter 7

**_A/N: So... more Grievance. I got an absolute TON of reviews last week, so thank you all so, so much for that, it honestly made my week (hell, it made my month) so... thanks. (And if Opera crashes again while I'm typing this note out I swear to God there will be blood.) I hope you all like this chapter just as much, and please send me a review to let me know! _**

**_lou3174, it's a fantastic episode. I love it, and it's one of my favourites, even if it does tend to make me weep (OK, that's a lie. It doesn't tend to make me weep, it makes me weep hysterically every time.) I don't know if you've seen original L&O, but if not I recommend starting with seasons 5 and 6 (the McCoy/Kincaid years, and the best by far.) _**

**_Roseau76, I am SO SO SO SO GLAD that I've inspired you to give writing a go! That's fantastic! I wish more people wrote, it's such a fantastic way to sort of clear your mind and block out the world for a while - personally, I think finishing a chapter you're proud of is one of the best feelings on Earth. (And I really would not want to be Elliot once Kathy gets wind of this, I'll tell you that for nothing.) _**

**_Hailey! I can't believe I'm going to be seeing you in less than two weeks! It's SO EXCITING! Seriously, I have not stopped bubbling over with excitement for the past few days. Also, I don't know why I don't write for the show. I would kill to write for the show. My housemate says that if I wrote for the show then it would be 10% Munch and Fin being awesome and 90% EO slinking off to have sex in a cupboard. She thinks so little of me. _**

**_SVUandBonesAddict, I'm assuming she'd have a pretty huge voicemail inbox given her job, but it probably isn't huge enough for the stalker-ish amount of messages he's leaving her. Also I'm glad you like my story so much (if you can't tell, I'm smiling like a fool right now.) _**

**_The Writing Princess, I'm glad you like the way I weave my own little stories in with the canon. It's maybe a little bit self-indulgent but meh - as long as it's done well, and contributes to the development of the character, why not? _**

**_gemfinder360, I wish it happened too :( Almost as much as I wish this chapter would happen... _**

**_Aly Bensler Cullen, you took the words right out of my mouth! Clearly great minds think alike. Thanks for the link too, that might be handy in future chapters. And I'm glad you like the story... hopefully you'll like this chapter too. _**

**_SoLetsPlayDoctorBabe, I know :( At least I have my flashbacks to get my EO fix... _**

**_W.S.C. Magica De Spell, I love the flashbacks too. I like me some EO (just in case anyone hadn't noticed *sigh*) _**

**_Ren Victoria, I love it too! BonesSVUlover, I'm glad you like this story so much, and I hope you like this chapter just as much. _**

**_lifeistooshorttobeserious, your pen name is already enough for me to love you. Your review though is also awesome :) I'm so happy you liked it so much, and I know what you mean, sometimes I just get too sucked in to stop long enough to sleep... and I'm really proud that someone actually thinks that about something I wrote! _**

**_ruflylover, thank you so much! _**

**_PiperOnlyFanFic, I know... and this chapter has even more... _**

**_morgancorinthos84, I know what you mean, but you know what Olivia's like. She boxes up her emotions so much that when she lets go a little it suddenly all pours out in a rush. EO does sometimes conflict me a bit because I think Kathy's really sweet but on the other hand I want Elliot and Olivia together... maybe they should clone him (and it's probably stuff like this that stops me from writing for the show.) _**

**_-Boy walton, yeah - meeting Mariska was pretty much the best day of all time - and the day before I actually got to shake Ice-T's hand and tell him how awesome he was, so all in all it was a pretty good week. And I'm glad you like the story so much, I'm sorry for keeping you waiting so long! (And thank you for saying you like Heritage. I'm working on an update for that as we speak.) _**

**_seddieluv4ever, however awful this sounds, I'm happy that my writing makes you cry (you know what I mean though, right?) I'm glad you like the story enough to read the whole thing in one go, and I hope you like this chapter just as much! _**

**_So, longest author's note of all time over, here's the new chapter for you! I really, really hope you like it, and thank you so much for all your reviews last time - I think I may have beaten my record for most reviews for a single chapter... anyway, so give it a read, and please let me know what you think by sending a review my way!  
><em>**

**_EXTRA NOTE: Because the site is cracking down on - ahem - smut, I have been forced to edit this chapter pretty massively. I'm going to try and rewrite the ones I'm going to be editing, but in the meantime there'll be a big gap. _**

**_Also, if you want to read the original unedited version, send me a quick review saying so and I will get on it for you!_**

* * *

><p><strong>'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'<strong>

**BEEP.**

'Liv, I...' Elliot cleared his throat. 'Look, Liv, I know you're getting my messages, because if you weren't then your voicemail inbox would have filled up by now, and...'

_Careful, Elliot. Don't sound angry. _

_Oh. Right._ He took a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself. 'Did you like the flowers I sent you? Sunflowers, I know they're your favourite.' He smiled to himself. 'It's impossible to feel sad with sunflowers around, right?'

_Elliot, maybe you should try not to directly quote her. That's a little bit creepy._

He sighed. _Why do I always end up sounding creepy? _ 'Liv, I... Liv, I was just calling to say that...' He trailed off, fidgeting with the phone cord. 'Liv, I miss you, you know that I miss you, I wrote it in the card with the flowers and I know you got them, I asked the florist who delivered them and he told me you'd signed for them, so-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'God damn it...' Elliot hit redial and waited patiently, not even bothering to get angry at the voicemail any more.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

**BEEP.**

'Sorry, Liv, damn voicemail cut me off again.' Elliot forced a smile. 'Liv, last night I was... I was... well, I was...'

_Well said. You sound like a rambling idiot._

He bit his lip. _Damn._ 'Liv, I was thinking about the night... well, the night in the squadroom.' _Care to be more specific? _ He mentally kicked himself. _Idiot. _ 'I mean, yeah, there were a lot of nights in the squadroom, but this was a special one, it was the one after... the one after the case with the disabled women. I-' He felt his voice catch in his throat. _Shit._ 'I...'

_Focus, Elliot. Do not start to cry._

_I'm not. I'm not going to cry._

_Yeah, just keep telling yourself that. _

He swallowed awkwardly. 'Liv, I'd been a complete ass that day, and we argued about it, we argued about Rebecca, remember?'

_Of course she remembers. When was the last time she forgot any minor transgression she could use to beat you with?_

He rolled his eyes. _True._ 'It, uh, wasn't about that though, it was... I mean, I wasn't thinking about that, I was thinking about... well, about what happened after we-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'Oh, for the love of...' Elliot sighed and hit redial.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

**BEEP.**

_November 2004_

_Elliot shrugged on his jacket and grabbed his car keys off his desk. 'You need a ride home, Liv?' He waited for a second, and then he cleared his throat. 'Liv?'_

_Olivia shook her head, staring down at her work. 'No.'_

_He sighed. Doesn't she ever sleep? 'Liv, it's getting pretty late-'_

_'I know what time it is, Elliot.' Olivia quickly scrawled her signature at the bottom of a page._

_Elliot frowned. 'Liv, what-'_

_'Go home, Elliot.' Olivia pushed the completed form aside and took a fresh one off the stack on her desk._

_'I-' Elliot stopped, suddenly unsure of himself. Maybe you should just leave her alone... He hesitated, biting his lip. No. He had to ask. 'Liv, are you OK?'_

_Olivia was still staring down at her desk. 'I'm fine.'_

_Elliot sighed to himself. You're clearly not. 'Liv, you've been acting weird all day. What is it?'_

_Olivia kept checking off boxes on her paperwork. 'Nothing.'_

_'Liv, it's obviously not nothing-'_

_Olivia cut him off. 'Leave me alone, Elliot.' She leaned in closer over her work, carefully filling out the next section of the form. 'Go home to your nice bachelor pad.'_

_Oh. Elliot rolled his eyes. Of course. 'Liv, tell me. It's about Rebecca, isn't it?' And believe me, my bachelor pad is far from nice, unless you happen to like mildew._

_'Oh.' Olivia snorted and turned the page. 'She's Rebecca now, is she?'_

_Oh, for fuck's sake... Elliot had to fight to hide his irritation. 'Olivia, what the hell is your problem with her?'_

_Olivia gritted her teeth. 'I don't have a problem with her.'_

_Why does she have to make everything so fucking difficult? Elliot felt a fresh surge of impatience at his partner. 'Well, clearly you do, Liv, because you've been sulking ever since we saw her. Is it because she's a doctor now? Is it that you think she's better than you?' Because she's not. You're perfect. No one could ever be better than you._

_'No.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'Of course not.'_

_Oh, for the love of... Elliot had finally had enough. 'For fuck's sake, Liv, you're acting really childish-'_

_'AM I?' Olivia spun around in her chair and stared at him. 'Well, Elliot, maybe it's because you and your wife are separated now and not only did you not tell me, but you're sniffing around some other woman while I'm standing right there!'_

_Elliot's heart sank. Shit. 'Liv, I-'_

_She cut him off. 'Elliot, you KNOW how long I've loved you, and you always told me you loved me too, but that you just couldn't leave your wife and break up your family.' Her eyes narrowed dangerously. 'So tell me, Elliot, why the fuck is it that the minute you're actually free you're immediately trying to fuck someone else?'_

_Oh, Liv... He sighed and squatted down in front of her. 'Liv, I'm not trying to fuck someone else. Honestly, I'm not.' Why would I ever want to?_

_'Oh, really?' Olivia sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. 'Because it sure as hell looked like you were.'_

_'Liv...' Elliot hesitated. Do NOT mess this up, Elliot. 'Liv, I wasn't, I swear, I...' He took a deep breath. 'Look, I didn't tell you about me and Kathy because... because I didn't want you to feel responsible, because I knew you would and you have so much else to deal with right now, what with... what with that awful case a couple of weeks ago, you were so upset afterwards and... and it wouldn't be fair on you.' He sighed. 'Does that make any sense?'_

_'I...' Olivia trailed off, biting her lip, and then she sighed. 'Yes, El, it does.'_

_'Liv, I'm sorry.' He reached out and took her hand. 'I should have told you.'_

_'Yeah.' Olivia rolled her eyes. 'You should.' _

_Elliot mentally rolled his eyes. Yeah, she was never going to let you off that easy. 'And Liv, about Rebecca, I...' He sighed again. 'Olivia, I was just being polite. She bent a lot of rules today to help us, and the least I could do was be friendly in return.' He smiled and stroked the side of her face. 'Olivia, I love you. I could never want anyone else but you.'_

_'I love you too.' Olivia shrugged. 'But I still think you're an asshole.'_

_Elliot laughed. 'That's my girl.'_

_'Yes.' Olivia smiled. 'Yes, it is.' She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder. 'Kiss me.'_

_Elliot blinked. 'Liv...'_

_'El.' She smiled again and brushed her fingertips down the side of his face. 'Kiss me.'_

_He smiled, feeling her thumb stroking the side of his neck as she clasped his hand in hers, and then he looked at her face, seeing her smiling at him, chewing on her lip nervously..._

_He took a deep breath, leaned in and kissed her._

_Real nice, Elliot, your wife's only been gone a few weeks and you're already groping someone else-_

_Shut up, it's not like that._

_'Olivia...' He pressed his lips more firmly against hers, cradling the side of her face in his hand as he stroked her cheek, savouring the softness of her skin against his his fingertips. _

_I wonder what moisturiser she uses. _

_Excuse me? _

_Elliot blinked. _

_What the fuck was that, Elliot? _

_He shook his head. I wish I knew..._

_Olivia gasped. 'Oh, El...' Now she was parting her legs and pulling herself forwards, tightening her knees around the sides of his body as she kissed him. 'El, El...'_ _She tugged off his jacket and threw it onto the floor, wrapping her arms tighter around his back as she pressed her chest against his. 'Harder, kiss me harder...'_

_'Liv...' Elliot lifted her up out of her chair and carried her over to his desk, feeling her stroking the back of his neck before she yanked her shirt open and pulled him down on top of her, wrapping her body tightly around his. 'Olivia...' He ran his fingertips over her bare skin, feeling her tongue darting in and out of his mouth. 'Oh God, Olivia...'_

_'Oh El, El...' Olivia started to kiss the side of his face, craning her head back over the edge of the desk as he started to kiss her neck. 'Oh, oh, El-' Suddenly he felt her tense, her breath catching in her throat. 'Uh... El?'_

_That didn't sound like a good gasp. Elliot frowned and pulled away a little. 'Yes, Liv?'_

_Olivia squirmed uncomfortably. 'I can, uh...' She pointed behind her. 'I can see the incident board.'_

_'The incident board?' He looked up and suddenly realised the board was still covered in crime scene photos from the case. Shit. 'Oh. The incident board.' He cleared his throat. 'Is that, uh... is that a problem?'_

_'Is it a problem that I can see dozens of crime scene photos less than ten feet from my face?' She raised her eyebrows at him. 'Well, yes, El, I think it is.'_

_Damn. 'OK...' Elliot paused thoughtfully. 'Right.' He lifted her up again and set her down on the edge of the desk, facing away from the board. 'Better?'_

_She smiled. 'Much...' She wrapped her arms around his back again, pressing her body tightly against his as she slipped her tongue into his mouth, her hips pushing insistently against his. 'Mmmm, El, kiss me...'_

_'Liv...' He could feel her hands moving over his back as he flicked open the top button of her trousers with his thumb, barely suppressing a gasp as he felt her fingernails rake across his back._

_Don't look at the incident board, Elliot._

_I wasn't looking at the incident board- Elliot glanced up involuntarily and immediately wished he hadn't. Shit. Look away. Look away. 'Liv...' He buried his face in the side of her neck. 'Oh, Olivia...'_

_'El...' Suddenly she was grabbing his chin and turning his face roughly towards hers, pressing her lips firmly against his mouth. 'El, kiss me again...' __He could feel her smiling against his mouth, and then her hands were unbuckling his belt and undoing his trousers, letting them fall to the floor. __'Oh, El, that feels so good...'_

_'Olivia... oh, Olivia...'_

_'Liv...' Elliot started to kiss the side of her neck and then he caught a glimpse of the incident board over her shoulder. Shit. Keep going. Ignore the board. He forced himself to look away, focusing on the smell of her hair and the sound of her gasping softly against his ear. 'Oh, Olivia...'_

_'Elliot, oh Elliot...' Now she was wrapping her legs around the backs of his thighs and pulling him in closer to her as she thrust her hips upwards. 'Oh more, El, more...'_

_Elliot silently cursed himself. Believe me, I'm trying. He was still carefully avoiding looking at the dreaded incident board, but it was as if he could feel the eyes of the various suspects staring at him. Elliot. Stop being paranoid. Focus on the matter in hand. He could feel Olivia breathing heavily against the side of his face and he smiled and hugged her tighter. 'Oh my God, Olivia, you're so beautiful...'_

_'El, oh, EL...' Olivia was kissing him even harder, her hands frantically unbuttoning his shirt. 'Oh, El, El, El...' Suddenly she began to kiss the side of his face, burying her face in the side of his neck, and then the incident board was staring him full in the face. _

_He froze._

_Elliot, don't look at the board._

_They're not looking at you. They're photographs._

_Ignore the crime scene photos._

_Just look away._

_He shook his head silently. Oh God, I can't, it's like a slow motion train wreck..._

_'El?' Olivia stopped kissing him and sat up. 'Is there a problem?'_

_'Uh...' Elliot hesitated. Nice one, idiot. He sighed. 'Liv, it's just, uh... well, now I can see the board...'_

_'The board?' She burst out laughing. 'Really?'_

_'Yeah.' Elliot felt his face slowly turning bright red with embarrassment. 'Really.'_

_Olivia paused thoughtfully. 'Well...' She smiled, fidgeting with the hem of his undershirt. 'We could move to the cribs...' She leaned in and kissed the side of his face, breathing softly into his ear. 'I think there's a bed in there we've been in together before...'_

_I wish. Elliot sighed. 'No, Liv, we can't move to the cribs. Burst water main, remember?' He silently cursed the maintenance men. Stupid lazy sons of bitches, always doing half-assed jobs, especially that obese guy with the greasy beard, he's the worst..._

_'Oh.' Olivia's face fell. 'But I don't know where else there is...'_

_Come on, Elliot, you have GOT to think of somewhere, you cannot take her back to your dive of an apartment, not when there are still pizza boxes everywhere, oh God, and there's that spot of mould on the ceiling... 'Hmmm...' Suddenly he had an idea. Thank God. 'Isn't there a cot in the holding cell?'_

_Olivia's jaw dropped. 'The holding cell? You actually think we should go and make love in the holding cell?'_

_Elliot shrugged. 'Well, why not?' It's actually nicer in there than it is in my apartment. He thought about it. And it's probably larger, too..._

_She was raising her eyebrows at him, clearly trying not to laugh. 'You think we should go and make love in the place where we keep the rapists and the child molesters?'_

_Elliot shifted uncomfortably. Come on, don't put it like that... 'Well, it's not like they're in there right now...' That would be too weird even for me, however aroused I am right now._

_'Elliot.' She was staring at him open-mouthed. 'Don't you know who we've held in that cell? Don't you know who's laid on that cot? DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT THEY'VE DONE?'_

_Good point. Elliot suppressed a shudder. 'OK, Liv, maybe we should just call it a night.' And then I can go home and stand under a cold shower for three hours while weeping with frustration._

_'But El-' Olivia frowned, and then she broke into a smile. 'No. Wait.' She kicked off her trousers and reached into the back pocket, producing a small brass key. 'I have the key to Cragen's office...'_

_Dear God. Elliot's jaw dropped. 'Jesus Christ, woman, you're insane...'_

_'No, I'm not...' She was still smiling as she wrapped her arms around his back and started to kiss the side of his face again, breathing softly into his ear. 'I want you, El, I want you so much, I can't wait any more...'_

_Elliot swallowed. Oh God... He took a deep breath, trying to control himself. 'Yes, Liv, you are...' And the scary thing is, I think I might be too... He glanced towards the door. I suppose it's not like anyone's going to come in anytime soon..._

_'Why?' He heard her laugh quietly to herself, and then her hands were inside his shirt, moving over his bare back as she kissed him. 'He's always saying we need to learn to utilise the whole workspace more effectively, that we needed to stop restricting ourselves to just our own desks if we needed to...'_

_Elliot barely stifled a laugh. 'Yes, but I don't think he meant like this.'_

_Olivia sighed and pulled away. 'Well, the alternative is that we stay out here with the incident board.' She nodded across the room at the dreaded board and raised her eyebrows at him. 'How does that sound?'_

_Oh dear God no. Elliot shot the incident board a wary look. Creepy-ass board. He heard Olivia laughing quietly to herself and he smiled, leaned in and kissed her, lifting her up and into his arms. 'Do you want to unlock the door or shall I?'_

_'I don't care...' Olivia buried her face in the side of his neck, tightening her arms around him as he carried her across the room. 'I don't care, El, just kiss me...'_

**_A/N: Edit aside, did you still like it? Please send me a review and let me know!  
><em>**


	9. Chapter 8

**_A/N: Guess what! I have more Grievance for you! Writing it just about killed me, but I wanted to thank you guys for being so awesome about everything and this seemed like a good way to do it. Thank you all for your lovely reviews and messages, because they help keep me going when things are rough, and I really, REALLY hope you like this chapter... and please send me a review to let me know what you think! _****_(And be nice. Like with everything I've uploaded recently, I'm not on my usual form.) _**

**_On a somewhat unrelated note - does anyone here have/had or know anyone who has/had ME/CFS? I got diagnosed with it a few days ago (always nice to know that having to nap all day and night doesn't make you a lazy cow) and... it's kind of new to me. Does anyone have any tips or advice to share?  
><em>**

**_Anyway... I'll be back to being able to manage my usual huge, HUGE notes pretty soon, but the fact that I can't give you all individual shoutouts right now does not change how much I appreciate you!  
><em>**

**_So, here's the new chapter, I hope you all love it, and don't forget to send me a review to let me know!  
><em>**

.

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><p><strong>'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'<strong>

**BEEP.**

'Hi, Liv...' Elliot swallowed awkwardly, feeling his voice catch in his throat. _Shit. Great start, jackass._ He cleared his throat and tried again. 'It's, uh, really good to hear your voice again after, you know, so long... it's been so long, Liv, it's been too long, you know it has, it seems like forever since I last heard your voice, since... since...'

_Since when?_

_Since you called her last night?_

_What?_ Elliot shook his head. _No, it's been longer than that, it has to have been..._

_It hasn't, Elliot. It's been less than 12 hours, and now you sound like a creep._

_Crap. _ He sighed to himself. _Why do I always seem to end up doing that? _

_Maybe because you call her every day and leave dozens of messages on her voicemail?_

Elliot shifted uncomfortably on the spot. _Come on, you don't have to put it like that... _He looked at the floor, twisting the phone cord around his fingers. _And anyway,_ _I only do that because... because..._ He bit his lip. 'I... I'm sorry if you think I call you too much, Liv, or if you're sick of hearing from me, but I only do it because I miss you, I do, Liv, I love you so much and I wish you'd just let me talk to you because-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'God damn it...' Elliot rolled his eyes and hit redial.

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

**BEEP.**

'Liv, I... I... after what we talked about, you know, last night, I...' Elliot started to fidget with the hem of his sweatpants. 'I couldn't stop thinking about it, about you, about that night in the squadroom and what happened, what we did and how amazing it... how amazing YOU were...' He smiled to himself, tracing circles in the pile of the hallway carpet with his finger. 'That night together, Liv, our first night together, it was... it was just incredible, you have no idea-'

_Well, she probably does, Elliot, seeing as she was there too. Two to tango and all that._

_Oh yeah._ Elliot rolled his eyes again. _Idiot._ 'OK, Liv, so maybe you do have some idea, but I don't just mean the sex, I mean, yes, that was fantastic, better than I ever could have imagined before, you have no idea what I would give to have that again, to be able to be with you like that again, it would be so-'

_Nice one, Elliot. Way to make her feel like a sex object._

_But.. but..._ Elliot shifted uncomfortably, feeling a twinge of unease. _Come on, you know that's not what I meant, she knows that's not what I meant... right?_

_Right? _

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

_Great. Now she thinks I'm a pervert._ Elliot hit redial again, silently kicking himself. _Way to go, moron..._

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

**BEEP.**

'Liv, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make it sound like I just wanted you for sex, because I don't, I never did, I mean, yes, I did enjoy being with you, you know, that way, but... uh...'

_Not helping, Elliot._

_Yeah, but..._ Elliot pushed back a wave of impatience. _Look, I'm trying my best, OK?_

_If that's your best, Elliot, then I hate to think what your worst could be._

Elliot sighed to himself. _Oh, for the love of..._ He cleared his throat and took a deep breath, silently steeling himself. 'Liv, lying with you and making love to you that night was one of the greatest experiences of my life, running my hands across your bare skin as you pressed your body against mine, feeling your heart beating against my chest and your hair tickling the sides of my face, listening your breathing quicken and watching that beautiful smile spreading across your face as I touched you, hearing you whispering my name into my ear, it-'

**'You have reached the time limit for your message. Please hang up now.'**

'FUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!' Elliot let out a cry of frustration and slammed the phone back down on the hook, shoving it roughly away from him. 'Why won't you just fucking TALK to me, Liv, why do you have to be so fucking CHILDISH, huh, all I'm trying to do is tell you how much I love you, every single day I'm telling you my most private, intimate thoughts, and you can't even be bothered to return even ONE of my calls, I-'

_Stop it, Elliot._

_Calm down._

_Deep breaths._

_If you shout at her, it's over. _

_She'll never want to see you again. _

_You know that._

_I do._ Elliot nodded, biting his lip. _I do know that._

_Good._

_Now calm the fuck down before you do something stupid._

_OK. _ Elliot took a deep breath and reached for the phone again. _OK, I can do this. _

_I can._

_I know I can._

**'Hi, you've reached Detective Olivia Benson. I'm sorry, but I'm not available to take your call right now, but please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.'**

**BEEP.**

_November 2004_

_'Morning, Detective.'_

_What the- Elliot frowned and opened his eyes, a jolt of horror punching him in the chest as he saw Cragen standing over him holding a cup of coffee. 'Jesus Christ-' He bolted upright and felt frantically around the floor for his pants, before suddenly realising with a wave of relief that he was already wearing them. Oh thank God. Thank God. Thank God I'm wearing pants._

_Wait._

_Why am I wearing pants?_

_Did... did I... He felt a twinge of dread. Did I dream last night?_

_He thought about it for a minute before he finally vaguely remembered waking up briefly during the night to find Olivia tugging his undershirt back on over his head. _

_He sank back against the couch cushions, overcome by a sudden rush of relief. Oh, thank God, thank God... _

_That's a great start, Elliot. _

_You're not naked in front of your boss._

_But now maybe you ought to try saying something rather than just sitting there looking as if you just saw Cromwell's ghost._

_Elliot blinked. Fuck. Good point. He took a deep breath, somehow managing a weak smile. Act casual. No one knows. 'Uh, morning, Cap, I was, uh, working late last night, and I... uh... you know, needed a place to, uh...' Have impromptu and probably ill-advised sexual relations with my partner. 'You know, sleep...' _

_Cragen nodded. 'That's OK, Detective, your partner's already filled me in about everything you two did last night.'_

_Elliot's eyes widened. Dear God. He swallowed awkwardly. No. He can't mean that. Of course he doesn't. Don't be stupid. 'She, uh... she did?' Did she mention the part where she thought it would be funny to spank me with your day planner?_

_'Yes, she did.' Cragen smiled at him and handed him the coffee. 'I'd like to thank you for all the extra work you and Liv have put into wrapping up this case, Elliot. The unit couldn't have done it without you.' _

_'Oh.' Elliot forced a laugh, hearing his voice go up an octave as Cragen sat beside him on the couch. Shit shit shit shit shit... 'Well, that's good.' Why is this happening to me? 'Uh, do you mind if I go now, because-'_

_'Actually, I was wondering if I could ask your opinion on something.' Cragen sat back against the back of the couch, becoming frighteningly close to the long scratch in the leather Elliot and Olivia had had to cover up the night before with brown Sharpie. 'Don't worry. It shouldn't take long.'_

_'Uh...' Elliot shifted uncomfortably and then saw Olivia standing in the doorway, biting her lip and stifling a laugh. 'Sure, Cap...' Olivia smiled sweetly and gave him a little wave, and he shot her a dirty look. Damn you. _

_'Great.' Cragen nodded cheerfully. 'The thing is, we need to order new phones for the department, and I've been given a choice between two different models, the LX1404 and the LX1604...'_

_Elliot's heart sank. Fuck, I'll be here for hours. 'OK...'_

_'And while they might sound very similar, there are in fact some key differences...'_

_Elliot just kept nodding, unable to think about anything other than how much he wanted to be anywhere else than there, on that particular couch, with Cragen._

_'For one thing, the LX1404 has several different 'hold' tunes, but the LX1604 has a higher number of lines...' _

_Oh God, please, no, no more... Elliot nodded and forced a cheery smile, glancing longingly at the door. 'Yes, I could see that that could be a problem.' Why the fuck am I meant to care about this?_

_Cragen didn't seem to hear him. 'But while the LX1604 has the ability to hold higher numbers of conference calls, the LX1404 also has higher message storage capabilities...' He trailed off and frowned. 'I think there's a brochure somewhere around here, I could probably show you if you want.'_

_Oh, thank God. Elliot felt a brief flash of hope. 'Sure. Is it in the main squadroom?' Please say yes please say yes please say yes please say yes-_

_'No, I don't think so...' Cragen shook his head, and Elliot's heart sank. 'Do you remember seeing it when you came in here last night, Elliot?' He looked around the room, frowning thoughtfully. 'I could have sworn I left it on the couch.'_

_Uh oh. Elliot vaguely remembered a brochure having been on the couch when they'd entered his office the night before. Where the fuck did that thing go? He glanced around, but couldn't see it. Fuck. He gave Olivia a pleading look and she started laughing. Fuck. Fuck. He swallowed awkwardly. Quick. Feign innocence. 'No, Cap, I'm afraid I didn't...'_

_'Hmmm. Odd.' Cragen shrugged. 'Oh well, it's not important just yet.'_

_Thank God. Elliot cleared his throat, glancing longingly at the door. 'OK, well, uh, if it's not important. Cap, I actually have a, uh, lot of work to do, so...'_

_'Oh?' Cragen looked surprised, but nodded and gestured at the door. 'Of course, Elliot. We'll discuss the phones later.'_

_Don't count on it. Elliot forced a smile and practically ran out of the office, not daring to relax until he was finally seated at his desk. Thank God that's over... He let out a long sigh of relief, shaking his head. I thought it would never end... He sighed again and glanced up at Olivia. 'You can stop pretending to work now, Liv.'_

_'Cool.' Olivia immediately dropped the pencil she was sharpening and scooted her chair around to his side of the desk, smiling brightly at him. 'Did you have a nice chat with Cragen?' _

_My ass. Elliot gave her a dirty look. 'I can't believe you didn't wake me up.'_

_Olivia sighed. 'Come on, El, at least I put your clothes back on.' She grinned. 'Except for your boxers. Fuck knows where those went.'_

_'What?' Elliot's eyes widened and his hand immediately went to his crotch. Crap. 'Oh... oh no, that means... but that means...' A cold chill settled deep in his gut. That means my underwear is still somewhere inside Cragen's office..._

_'Yup. And believe me, I looked.' Olivia smiled and patted his should reassuringly. 'Don't worry, El, even if he finds them I'm sure he won't know they're yours.'_

_Elliot shook his head, 'No, Liv, you don't understand, it's... they all have nametags sewn in them...' And besides, how many sets of mens' underwear do you think he finds in his office on a daily basis?_

_'Seriously?' Olivia was staring at him open-mouthed. 'You actually have nametags in your underwear?!'_

_Elliot shrugged helplessly, feeling himself blush. Damn. 'Well, yeah...' God, it sounds even stupider when you hear someone else say it. What kind of grown man actually has nametags in his boxers?_

_Now Olivia was biting down hard on her lip, her shoulders shaking with poorly suppressed laughter. 'Why?'_

_Elliot shrugged again. 'Well, I don't know, I guess it's something I picked up in the Marines and never really forgot...' And if you'd been sharing living quarters with two dozen other sweaty men who'd been issued the same standard issue uniforms as you, you'd make sure to label your underwear too._

_'Wow...' Olivia shook her head, clearly still trying very hard not to laugh. 'I'm learning all these new things about you, El,...'_

_Elliot was still shaking his head in disbelief. 'I can't believe my underwear is somewhere in Cragen's office...'_

_'Don't worry, El. I'm sure he won't find it.' Olivia grinned. 'And aren't you happy Cragen thanked us for all the hard work we put in last night?'_

_'I would have been even happier if I hadn't had to sit next to him on the couch for fuck knows how long.' Elliot grimaced, 'I can't believe he chose now to ask me about the damn phones...'_

_Olivia shrugged. 'I can.'_

_Elliot looked at her in surprise. 'Really?' Hang on... He narrowed his eyes, feeling a sudden twinge of suspicion. 'Why?'_

_Olivia smiled brightly. 'Because I told him to.'_

_Elliot's jaw dropped. You did WHAT?! 'Liv-'_

_'Anyway.' Olivia leaned in close and raised an eyebrow at him. 'Want to work late tonight? You know, make up for everything we should really have done yesterday?' _

_Elliot's heart sank. Oh God, no, I can't work alone with you again this soon, all I'll be able to think about is how much I want you, how much I need you- 'Sure.' He forced a smile. 'Do you want to stay here, or-'_

_'No, Elliot.' Olivia smiled at him, glanced around and took his hand. 'I think that my apartment would probably be a better idea for what I had in mind.'_

_Elliot blinked. Oh. OH. He stared at her, half-waiting for her to start laughing, and then feeling an unexpected surge of panic when she didn't. Oh God. Oh God, she's actually serious. Quick, Elliot. Say something clever, memorable, romantic, inspiring... He cleared his throat awkwardly. 'Oh.' Well, shit._

_Olivia laughed softly and squeezed his hand. 'Is that a yes?'_

_Oh, yes. Elliot nodded, unable to take his eyes off her. You have no idea._

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So, what did you think? Things are really intensifying between them in this chapter, so I'm really looking forward to seeing where the story goes.**  
><em>

_**I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and I'll try my best not to leave it too long before I update this or another story... in the meantime, though, I recently updated Heritage, Judgement and Blame, if you're looking for something to tide you over.  
><strong>_

_**Anyway, I hope you liked it, and please, PLEASE send me a review to let me know what you think!  
><strong>_

_**(PS - as ever... I may not be able to manage my usual huge notes right now, but I still love you all. Thank you.)  
><strong>_


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